diary (august 2022)
august 31, 2022
Yesterday I wasn't very productive, did read a lot of "Beastars" and began watching the anime. Spent most of my night helping S. rip paper for a project her students had today. I called my parents and
Another not productive day. Partially because I woke up sneezing at 2 a.m. and didn't go back to sleep until 6ish. My allergies are the worst when I'm in MO and these next couple of weeks are usually insufferable.
I had a tornado nightmare last night as well.
Started reading "Jesus' Son" by Denis Johnson.
august 29, 2022
I have no memory of yesterday except for going grocery shopping. I've been playing a lot of "Cult of the Lamb".
A lot of my morning was spent thinking about the new trailer for the Weird Al biopic. I'm obsessed with the fact Daniel Radcliffe is playing Weird Al and how it's a parody of the whole pop star biopic genre. It's simple serotonin and I appreciate that.
Today we went to the local public library after my friend S. went to brunch with a co-worker. I wanted to see it for a number of reasons, one of them being that they have a part-time position open that isn't ideal but I might as well apply to it.
My brain is currently in "the world is ending, why give a shit" mode, so that's great.
august 27, 2022
It's incredibly frustrating looking at job listings on an almost daily basis. You pick up on these small linguistic choices that project an "ideal candidate"-- an image that I imagine very few people who actually apply to these jobs and get them actually fulfilled. It makes me focus on the things I don't have more than the things I do, making it difficult for me to apply for the job with some confidence. I'm tired of reading job listings as if it were my job because 1. I'm not getting paid, and 2. It's boring as fuck.
I'm currently listening to "A Prayer for the Crown-Shy" by Becky Chambers, the second book in the "A Monk and Robot" duology. I haven't finished it yet but it's already proving to be one of my favorite books I've read this year. Chambers is great at world-building but what always stands out about this series is the beauty of the small moments, and how they are always connected to nature even if you are in a city. Just great.
Yesterday I sat down and listened to the new Ezra Furman album, "All of Us Flames". Worth the time and attention. I love Furman's music and this album is a nice breath of fresh air after two albums full of energy and anxiety. Personal favorites: "Train Comes Through", "Forever in Sunset", "Point Me Toward the Real", "Ally Sheedy in the Breakfast Club", and "Temple of Broken Dreams".
I've been on and off reading poems by Dean Young since he passed away on Wednesday. E. texted me to tell me that he sees a lot of me in those poems, a similar sense of wonder and play (at least that's what I hope he means). I want to write a poem for Dean. I came close to meeting him once but I actually prefer the memories I have of reading his work and the stories others have told me about him. Can't get the image of him and Tony Hoagland fistfighting in heaven out of my head, with Brigit Pegeen Kelly and Michael Maddonick as referees.
august 26, 2022
Damn, I'm exhausted (and it's 7:02 a.m.). I was supposed to get here (Columbia, MO) on Wednesday but the bus from St. Louis never left. Thankfully my friend D. was able to pick me up from the station and I stayed at her place for the night. In the morning we went back into the city and I was able to get the next bus out. I arrived yesterday in the early afternoon. I bought "Cult of the Lamb" for my Switch before going to bed.
august 23, 2022
The feeling when you're about to get started on some work, you sit down, and depression hits you like a fucking bus full of children on their way to Chuck E. Cheese and one rascally kid knocks out the bus driver and now is trying to drive the bus in a straight line to the restaurant instead of staying on the road. I already felt myself slowly drifting to one side of the sidewalk but then BAM.
Today's my last full day in Iowa City. It's nice I got to spend some time with A. and see my friend J. I'm unfortunately not in the best mood to think positively about my time here. It was overall a good visit, just today I feel like shit.
august 22, 2022
I'm trying to find ways of bringing energy back to my writing, especially since it's one of the few things I have total control of right now. I want to continue working on my poetry book idea, plus a bigger project that encompasses a couple of different mediums-- something that connects the major concepts of my poetics. I might as well work on that in between job applications. Another thing to keep in mind is finding a part-time job in Columbia if I don't have a full-time gig ready by mid-to-late September. I got a rejection email today from a library system in Minnesota. It's not a huge surprise but still frustrating. I assumed I'd hear back from a couple of places but nothing. Crickets.
We did get some ice cream for dessert which was nice. I got s'mores ice cream and remembered how the last time I was in Spain (like ten years ago) I saw Smurf ice cream but don't remember what it supposedly tasted like. Smurf in Spanish is pitufo and in French is schtroumpf. The more you know! We've been watching a lot of "Drunk History" during dinner.
august 21, 2022
Today was quiet again, spent most of it listening to the podcast series about "Because the Internet" and trying to brainstorm ideas for a writing project that's been on my mind.
A. and K. took me to a local park this afternoon. The feeling that really stuck out to me was the car ride there, I suddenly was a kid again in the backseat while my parents talked about directions. I felt so young, not recognizing any of my surroundings and being told to pay attention to things here and there. There was something really comforting about it but also sad. Shouldn't I feel more in control of my life? Still, it felt nice for the most part. Had a good time overall.
august 20, 2022
Days slipping by in a grey haze, I'm finally able to capture something in my hands. On the 18th I spent most of my day watching "Infinity Train" since I heard it was going to be taken off HBO Max with a bunch of other animated shows. I was able to get all the way through season 3 before it was shut down at 11 p.m. It saddens me how little respect these shows and their creators got from the huge companies that own them. I immediately loved "Infinity Train" because the worldbuilding approach is so thoughtful and fun. I'll find a way to finish the series, that's a promise.
Yesterday was a similarly slow day where I didn't get much work done. All I remember is that A. came home from work and suggested we go out to a bar called Sanctuary. We pre-gamed and then ubered to downtown Iowa City. Because students are back there was quite a ruckus on the streets even though a storm had just passed through, but Sanctuary was quiet enough to have good conversation. A. and I mostly discussed our need for new jobs and family stuff. Even though we've been living together again for the first time in a couple of years, we don't get a lot of time to really chat. After Sanctuary we walked around campus, crossed several bridges, and took quiet moments to watch the water. We walked by the Old Museum that flooded back in 2008.
Today I cleaned the room I'm staying in and started getting things ready for my departure. My plan is to leave on Wednesday of this week, I'll be traveling all day because there's no direct bus to Columbia, MO. I have to take one from here to St. Louis and then one back up to Columbia. While cleaning I listened to the Dissect podcast series of "Because the Internet" by Childish Gambino. I listened to part of it when it came out but don't remember much. I love "Because the Internet" because it's the type of art I want to make, something with several aesthetic layers and mediums that tell a larger narrative.
For the past few months, my snack of choice has been Cheezits (or similar cheesy crackers). I'm having some right now.
If I could draw a self-portrait I would include myself smoking a cigarette even though I don't smoke. When I was 18 I got into smoking cigars and cigarillos but cigarettes have always tasted disgusting to me. Anyway, just a thought I had.
You can tell I've been a little down recently because of the amount of Frank Turner I've been listening to.
august 17, 2022
Re-reading old entries from 2020-2021. I do this as well with my old zines, because it's kind of funny how quickly parts of yourself change while others feel more monolithic or stable.
Finished another job application, this time for a public library in the twin cities in Minnesota. I've been watching "Haikyu!!" during breaks, near the beginning of the fourth season. It's a really fun show but right now it just serves as a reminder about how unambitious I've become. I used to work so hard to become a better writer and get published but things have gotten so complicated in the past couple of years. I want to get back in the groove of working on my writing but it's hard to imagine doing that without some stability from a job. Then I'll have to find a balance between the job and writing. It's just all a big balancing act until we die, huh?
A. and K. and I went to downtown Iowa City this evening for some frozen yogurt and then went to a tabletop game café. I had a great time! It was nice to get out of the house and just play some games with friends. Learned about when the big flood happened and a museum employee had to put a Jackson Pollock painting in trash bags and stuff it in their car trunk to take home because the museum's storage was flooding.
august 16, 2022
I've been meaning to start writing here again since the beginning of August. I want to keep some type of record of my life because it's all up in the air and writing it down helps things feel more intentional, I can follow the narrative of the days better. I was just re-reading some old entries from 2020 and it's fascinating the stuff I can remember and then the stuff that falls through the cracks, the little daily obsessions/fascinations I had that don't stand the test of time.
So, a general update of my life since last summer: A long-term relationship I was in ended amicably, I'm still good friends with that person. I got two cats in August but had to find a new home for them because my allergies made things very difficult (didn't know I was allergic to cats before then, had never really had any problems). I began working part-time as a bookseller/barkeep at a new indie bookstore in town in September 2021. I graduated with an MLIS degree in December 2021. I started applying to library positions around the U.S. I began working full-time at the bookstore in January 2022. I stopped being scheduled behind the bar around March when I began working every morning shift on the bookstore side (they have a bar and cafe/bakery attached to the bookstore). End of May/early June I got offered a job at the Brooklyn Public Library but I turned down the position due to some life complications. Left the bookstore at the end of July, the same time my lease ended. On the last day of July, I left Champaign-Urbana to stay with my friend A. who lives in Iowa City while I continue my job search. (All of my stuff is in a friend's basement in Champaign waiting until I get a job and apartment somewhere.) I caught covid on my trip here so I've been sick for a majority of the time. Good news, yesterday I officially tested negative again and I'm feeling much better. The current plan is to head to Columbia, MO and crash with a friend there in a little over a week.
Most of my days currently revolve around looking for jobs on online job boards, editing my cover letter, watching some show in the background, and listening to music to keep me from losing all hope. I'm not reading a lot right now-- working at the bookstore kinda burned me out on reading because I was constantly trying to stay on top of trends. I should continue the habit since I want to work as a librarian but a couple of months of a break won't be terrible.
Anyway, I'm figuring stuff out.
"when i write my master's thesis" by john k. samson (currently on repeat)
/diary/