diary (sept. 18-dec. 31)
dec. 31, 2020
really like the section "other books i read this year" in this blog post by sebastian Castillo
Got drunk on champagne while playing "Among Us" with friends until midnight. S. and I hung out with Holmes in the bathroom as fireworks were going off for the first ten minutes of the new year.
dec. 22, 2020
S. and I recently re-watched the first two Hunger Games movies and decided to read the books simultaneously. I'm behind because S. is a much faster reader than me even though I'm listening to the audiobook on 2 speed. I'd only read the first book back in high school and didn't feel the drive to read the rest of the series. I just finished Book 2 and gonna start Book 3 tonight. This all started because S. found out the prequel book came out this year and bought it. It's nice to be reading these together in a way, we rarely read similar books. We're also picking up on a lot of other themes in the books that we didn't when we were teenagers, which is what I love about re-visiting media with a good time chunk in-between.
I went to campus a couple of days ago to print off my mini-zines, posted them on Instagram, and started sending them out to people who showed interest. I'm going to work on a couple of my other zine ideas in the next week or so. I've been focusing on ticking off things from my long to-do list, which has the benefit of feeling accomplished.
I want to come back here one day with the need to write down everything again, there is something so exciting about that feeling but it's just not present.
dec. 18, 2020
I've been feeling less of a desire to write on here the past couple days, most likely because I'm using a private Discord server to organize my thoughts. There was a tumblr post about this, giving different ideas of channels you could create- like one for TV shows you want to watch, articles you want to read later, etc. One of the main things I use it for is to document when I take my daily pills, I've been really bad about forgetting them until it's late in the day.
dec. 17, 2020
Chose my classes for next semester.
dec. 16, 2020
Turned in my last assignment of the semester yesterday. Trying to pick up the pieces (i.e. figure out everything I need to do before the spring semester starts).
dec. 15, 2020
Woke up around 3:30 a.m. because of a nightmare I had where I got lost on a hike, made a friend, they were killed by a bear and then I spent over five months trying to find my way back home and everyone I met just made the trip longer.
Decided to start watching "Avatar: The Last Airbender" so as to distract myself from falling back to sleep or thinking about the nightmare.
dec. 14, 2020
tempted to do a solo reading of "a charlie brown christmas" on some type of social media
S. finished re-reading the Harry Potter series today.
dec. 13, 2020
Exhausted from the past couple of days. I finished writing my paper for my artists' books class today, one day later than planned. I did write quite a bit yesterday but ended up getting a mental block around 6 p.m. and could not focus the rest of the night. I have finished the community center on Stardew Valley, so I need to start thinking of my next goal within the game. Once I accomplished this in my past playthrough things just fizzled out because it was hard to be motivated by anything else. My main plan might be to befriend the whole town next. While I've been playing, S. has been re-reading the Harry Potter books from the fourth one on. She's already on Deathly Hallows after finishing the fourth one like 3-4 days ago (she was already about half of the way through when she picked it back up since we last were reading it together in the summer).
could not stop laughing or thinking about this mbmbam bit that i stumbled upon while on youtube
also obsessed with this tik tok about gef the talking mongoose
this is what i think about when the phrase "late-stage capitalism" gets thrown around
S. and I looked up what the Golden Girls writers room was like, really happy to learn that those actresses were so professional and good that when they didn't get a joke the first time the writers immediately knew they had to re-write it. There was a sense of trust that people understood their craft. Need to title a poem "girls just want to have fun before they die", based on the title for S6 E10 of Golden Girls.
dec. 11, 2020
Feeling stuck in many ways. Need to spend all of tomorrow writing. Have been playing a lot of Stardew.
zodiac killer cypher has just been cracked, cnn article with some lines i might use in poems
dec. 10, 2020
Finished watching "Looking for Alaska" early Wednesday morning, didn't go to bed until after 2 a.m. Spent most of yesterday working on the presentation I had to give in class about white supremacy in libraries, that went generally well. Made a friend in that class which was somewhat a surprise because it's so hard to create comradery in a big zoom class.
Accidentally paid for a year subscription of the Calm app, so I gotta start using that. It's been over a year since I've regularly meditated so I'll take this opportunity to re-establish that habit.
Currently reading "Book of Disquiet" by Fernando Pessoa every morning and night. There are a lot of beautiful things in there but also some troubling thoughts, reminds me a lot of most Dostoyevsky characters.
My friend A. sent me a great Christmas present, a candle with Harry Styles in his GQ dress on it! Have it next to my desk and can't wait to start using it.
Still on the search for a good present for S.
Spent some time with K. and E. before they have to quarantine before visiting some family members. Watched the MFA reading, which was very thought provoking.
dec. 8, 2020
Had a nightmare where my grandfather died. It brought into perspective this fear that I have hanging over me since he had surgery a couple of months ago. He's doing much better, but he's still 80 and been dealing with some depressive periods. I woke up and started looking for a manual typewriter because he's been wanting one for years so that he can write his life story and other thoughts he has. Bought one off Facebook marketplace, should be shipped to him soon.
A callous formed on my right thumb when I was playing "Hades" regularly (about a month ago, I think). It is still there and I cannot stop playing with it, similarly with the cut on the same finger which I run my nail through.
S. sold her first ceramic piece on Etsy (a pour-over set). Etsy is problematic (from what she has told me) yet it's the standard so many people are obliged to stay on there if they wish to make money.
I'm close to finishing my second watch through of "Looking for Alaska", which I didn't expect for it to impact me emotionally as much as it has. I'm also close to finishing the process of weeding my 2020 playlist. A lot of songs I don't like ended up on there because I didn't have as much walking time as I usually have to experience these songs.
Our friends K. and E. left us some blueberry muffins on our porch. They're nice, the blueberries are fresh.
It feels like it's Wednesday or Thursday, but it's Tuesday.
dec. 6, 2020
The last few days have been busy with working on my digital story and watching "Looking for Alaska". I finished the video last night, turned it in. Had to go over to the public library to use their wifi (it's closed but I just stood outside the front to catch the signal). I only have a couple more assignments to finish before being officially done with the semester.
Went to CVS today to pick up one of my meds. I've been in a depressive fog today but it feels different than the most recent ones, lighter? Not sure how to describe it.
We started using the dishwasher yesterday. For the three years I've lived head I always forgot we had a dishwasher because I come from a family that hand washes our dishes (even though we had a dishwasher, just used it for storage most of the time).
S. gave me my Christmas present last night: a bartender cocktail set! We've been wanting one for a while and I'm excited to start making some drinks. Catch me making drinks at the parties we're gonna host after the pandemic.
I have a cut on my thumb that I keep sliding my pointer fingernail through.
dec. 5, 2020
Because of a lack of new memories, my brain keeps going back to high school for dream fuel. It just solidifies how much I hated most of high school, especially because I did not have a creative outlet.
dec. 4, 2020
Yesterday was a quiet day. S. took me on a car ride around town so that I could film for my digital story based on tMG's "Source Decay". We played Jackbox games with a couple of friends after we got home.
learned about this type of sunflower during a quiz game
Today: Worked on my virtual story most of the day. Bought the new tMG live album that dropped today. Started to re-watch "Looking for Alaska".
dec. 2, 2020
Wondering whether or not I could write 86,400 poems before I died (it's the number of seconds in a day). Most likely not. I'm pretty sure I can write 1,440 poems though (number of minutes in a day).
Not a super productive day but I have a good plan for tomorrow--need to work on my digital storytelling assignment.
I participated in a short play my friend L. made of a bunch of emails and comments by grad students and professor responses. It was a lot of fun, especially seeing how this really is a community experience (being in academia during COVID) and it still feels very isolating.
love this cover of "hast thou considered the tetrapod"
a story by my friend Chris who just got nominated for a pushcart
dec. 1, 2020
Watched "Happiest Season" this morning and enjoyed it, which I was surprised by. I kept seeing mixed reviews of the movie on social media but couldn't really figure out the general consensus about it. Harper is a terrible girlfriend and Kristen Stewart is amazing and all I wanted is for her to be happy.
Today Elliot Page came out as trans, which was great news. After the news though I was hit by a depression haze.
The people at PetsMart gave Holmes a little bandana.
nov. 30, 2020
First snow in the morning. Spent most of my day working on the annotated bibliography. I enjoyed doing the research (white supremacy in libraries) because it helped put in context some thoughts I've had when beginning library school.
nov. 29, 2020
Bought and started playing "Celeste" for the first time. I was really hesitant about getting this game, been on the fence for at least two years. Every time I looked it up all I saw were really complex levels that discouraged me from getting it but yesterday I watched a video by Brian David Gilbert talking about how if he had never played "Celeste" he wouldn't have made it through "Hollow Knight". So, that leads me to believe the opposite can be true, that if I made it through HK I can make it through "Celeste". The story and style is really up my alley, it was just the type of platforming that was intimidating.
Need to work on an annotated bibliography due tomorrow.
nov. 28, 2020
Talked to Antonio about the cover, most likely gonna be a painting. They just finished their album based on my poetry, "Dreamcorpse". Gonna listen to it tomorrow while on a walk I think. Watched Contrapoints's video on cancel culture, solidified some of the thoughts I've been forming around the way its weaponized against marginalized creators.
Thinking about the term "planet-struck".
nov. 27, 2020
We had a small thanksgiving meal with K. and E., played video games and hung out. S. cooked her first (and according to her, last) turkey ever and it is delicious! I called my parents and talked to my grandfather for over an hour about the end of the U.S. empire and family news. We are a lot alike, two weirdos. I asked Antonio to do the cover for my mini-chapbook coming out in the next couple of months and they said yes! More on that as it develops.
S. and I looked through a bunch of indie games and bought a few since S. finished "Gris" and wanted something else to jump into.
nov. 25, 2020
Finished a second issue of the "tattoos" mini-zine this morning. Hope to make some copies in the next few days and post about it on social media, maybe sell them for a dollar or so. S.'s file of "Gris" stopped working so she had to restart the game, unfortunately. I want to make a shit ton more zines during this break but I should really focus on final projects that are around the corner and trying to get a job for next semester.
On Friday, I got an email telling me I was not chosen for an interview for a campus job that I've applied to before and I don't know why. My skills fit exactly the job description, I've had a couple of friends in that job who told me I had a good shot of getting it. This sucks because its one of the few with a fee waiver and I was really hoping to have that.
nov. 24, 2020
Snippets
-We've had a really fun weekend with D. We played a lot of video games, joked around, had "Thanksgiving" calzones from D.P. Dough. Gave a bunch of stickers to D. for her laptop.
-Got tested for covid, negative.
-Made a mini-zine titled "tattoos i would get if i wasn't afraid of ink on my skin" while S. worked on a couple of new ceramic pieces. She's trying to get some ready for her MFA portfolio.
-S. started playing a game that D. suggested, "Gris". I love the style and changing color palette, the mechanics remind me a little bit of "Hollow Knight".
-New youtube obsession is Rowan Ellis. Her cottagecore video made TikTok more approachable, plus her media critique feels the most researched out of a lot of other YouTubers I've seen.
-On Saturday recorded an episode of They/Them with G. and A. about the Harry Styles on Vogue news. I decided to get TikTok while recording and have been exploring it for at least an hour a day. A friend of mine, L., told me that it was really addictive and that has proven to be true. The podcast episode was a lot of fun, I tried to take a backseat because I wasn't feeling on top of it language-wise that night.
nov. 20, 2020
Been really busy working on my future file this week, as well as playing "Stardew Valley". Our friend D. has come to visit for the weekend (we have all been tested multiple times recently and come out negative).
nov. 17, 2020
Depression fog. Finished Jia Tolentino's book, especially liked the essays on ecstasy, reality television, and scams. We talked a lot about Anne Carson in my artists' books class.
nov. 16, 2020
Woke up around 3 a.m. and didn't want to go back to sleep. I've been watching a lot of videos by Jenny Nicholson the past week or so, especially liked the ones where she rates every Porg on the market and talks about the "Opposite Worlds" reality show.
Dream I just had: I'm working at my undergrad library while J.K. Rowling visits to do a signing, there is not much protest. The library staff is not happy though. I'm told to look for a particular DVD and find out that it is on the highest shelf we have and that I'd have to call to get maintenance to get the right ladder. I begin the call, anxiously, and the dream ends.
Yesterday I watched bits of "Skyfall" and "Spectre" as S. revisits the Daniel Craig Bond films. They are great examples of the "gritty reboot" trend that the Nolan Batman films popularized.
Began to work more intensely on my future file for my storytelling course, a collection of stories that I can revisit and practice in the future.
essay on post-exoticism by Antoine Volodine
nov. 15, 2020
Yesterday: Slept terribly, kept having flashes of nightmares. One included seeing a dead bird on its head on my front porch, a cracked egg nearby. Lazy day: watched "House of Tomorrow" with the main actor from "Sex Education" playing a similar teen character. The movie was fine, had a surface level understanding of punk culture that didn't do much for its characters. I'm just a sucker for movies about kids discovering a type of music or a band and that changing their lives completely-- it's one of the few young adult genres that I fully enjoy with all its tropes. Went grocery shopping after dark, it was raining as I walked back to the car in the Aldi parking lot and "Watermelon Sugar" was playing from the Walmart outdoor speakers. We played "Among Us" with a group of friends for a couple of hours and just chatted with C. and D. for a bit afterwards.
Today: Spent most of my day listening and finishing "Begin Again" by Eddie S. Glaude Jr., which centers around the writing of James Baldwin and what it tells us about our current political state. It walks the line of creative non-fiction and literary criticism which was refreshing and made the points stick better in my mind. I wish I had a physical copy of the book to highlight, there's a lot I want to revisit one day when I've read more Baldwin. I've only read "The Fire Next Time" and some of his poetry but I can tell there is a lot there I can learn from and need. Started a new file on "Stardew Valley", named my in-game cat Zine (randomly generated). I can't read physical books right now (unless its essays or short stories, I just re-read "Belle-Medusa" by Manuela Draegar from "XO Orpheus"). I checked out a lot of audiobooks that I want to read, currently working on "Trick Mirror" by Jia Tolentino. I found her conversation on Web 1.0 described why I like flounder and the simplicity of self-expression here, yet it also has its type of performance.
Last year I read a lot of novels and started to enjoy fiction again. When I go to the library I always find the titles and descriptions of the novels more interesting and engaging than the actual writing. I'm fascinated by this disconnect that exists.
nov. 12, 2020
Told my "Source Decay" story in my storytelling class today and it went very well. Watched the first half of "You Only Live Twice" with S., am surprised that it was written by Roald Dahl and that people in the 60s thought it was a serious action movie when it's obviously a comedy.
nov. 11, 2020
Had a hard time falling asleep last night. Listened to the tMG songs "In the Craters on the Moon" and "Autoclave" on repeat for a while. I decided I'm not gonna keep writing a poem every day this month. It's been really hard to come up with anything because I don't have any new experiences to write about. While I could focus on the past, those don't tend to catch my interest as strongly unless something in the present necessitates it. A couple of years ago I was in a similar situation where I was spending most of my time at home in my bedroom or at work and nowhere else. This just led me to write a lot about my bed.
I went on a nice walk this afternoon. S. and I got frozen yogurt and watched "Cheers".
nov. 10, 2020
I'm obsessed with the "Copycat Killer" version of "Kyoto" by Phoebe Bridgers. It's a perfect arrangement of the song and really opened up the last couple of lines. Bridgers ends with "I'm a liar/who lies/'Cause I'm a liar" and in the "Punisher" version this statement falls a little flat to me. It has this tongue in cheek feel to it but also approaching some form of sincerity. The "Copycat Killer" puts all its cards on the table and makes this moment completely sincere, almost tragic. I love that.
Yesterday I was told I have a nice voice and that it's one of my best tools for storytelling. I've been told this before in the past couple of years, especially around the way that I read my poems. It still kinda shocks me because I've edited my voice for podcasts and it is okay but feels "ambiguous" in a way. I know that it's normal to not like your own voice, I'm just still trying to get used to the fact that my voice is an important aspect of my presentation.
Another day of depression fog.
nov. 9, 2020
Yesterday: Depression fog. Watched the newest Jason Bourne film, decided that the second one in the series is my favorite. I kinda love all the tropes of the series: a room full of people at computers freaking out, a female character recognizing that the problem isn't Jason Bourne but the system that created him, Jason yelling at people to tell him about his past, hazy flashbacks, Jason watching the people who are trying to catch him, Jason calling the people who are trying to catch him, Jason getting into multiple car crashes and coming out unscathed. I find it funny and comforting because you know what to expect, just the context is a little different every time.
Today: Woke up around 5 this morning, "The Golden Girls" still playing on S.'s laptop. I answered a couple emails, wrote a postcard, been productive most of the day. Finally planned out the plot of my "Source Decay" story.
nov. 8, 2020
Biden officially won the presidency yesterday. Hung out with K. and E. last night to celebrate, got champagne drunk. S. and I started re-watching "The Lightning Thief" which is a terrible movie but I remember enjoying the book a lot.
Been depressed most of the day, just pushing my way through it. Watched a Bourne movie, gonna watch another with S. in a sec. Spent some time outside in the fresh air listening to "Jenny and "Source Decay" by tMG, which I'm adapting for the story I'm telling in my storytelling class this week.
nov. 5, 2020
I've spent a lot of today thinking about the election, how there are a lot of people that are okay with things continuing the way they are. I went to the main library on campus to turn in a bunch of books and stopped by CVS for batteries. It's been a somewhat productive day but I can't seem to make decisions: need to choose a story to tell in my storytelling class next week and what type of stories I'm going to collect for a project. I think of something, find an issue with it, drop it and move on.
nov. 4, 2020
Going to the county clerk's office this morning to make sure my ballot gets counted. I'm trying to remind myself that patience is really important right now.
There were some political signs just outside the county clerk's office, most of them for conservative politicians/causes. There was one that asked you to vote for someone (I've never heard of this person before, wasn't curious enough to look them up) for president because "Why not?"
Obsessed with the image of flickering trees as Sims Online servers were being turned off, heard about it in the most recent 99% Invisible episode.
nov. 3, 2020
Election day. My ballot was challenged due to signature issue. Kept myself distracted most of the day by reading, working, playing "Hades" (having fun with the Greek mythology adaptation), hung out with K. and E. for a couple of hours outside in our backyard (tried to avoid election talk, mostly focused on movies), and played "Among Us" with friends for several hours.
nov. 2, 2020
Been writing the Ezra Furman fanzine on and off today. Made my to-do list for the week. I stopped by the library, picked up Lindsay Ellis's book "Axiom's End". I am trying to make an effort to read mostly books that I own and only take out one or two books at a time from the library. Taking a break from writing in the dream journal.
nov. 1, 2020
Lazy day in. Taking some time to mentally prepare for the amount of emotional energy the next couple of days will require. S. and I watched "Knives Out" for the first time, completely surprised and pleased by the outlandish journey it takes you on.
Right after that I caught the live stream of Ezra Furman performing from the Museum of Fine Arts in Bostion. There were a lot of moments where you could hear Ezra speaking but she was tuning her guitar silently, a recording playing. There was a lot to be said about the ways the song fit with the current time and the art that surrounded her. A couple of lines of poetry came to mind while listening---that has solidified the fact that I will write a poem a day this month.
Worked a little on my teen movie soundtrack zine, started brainstorming ideas for an Ezra Furman fanzine possibly titled "Every Feeling in the Book", each one dedicated to one song with micro-essays about what the song makes me think about and meditate on.
The NITW fanzine might be titled "At Least We Can Be Legends", referencing what Mae says to Gregg after a confusing night at Donut Wolf.
oct. 31, 2020
QUEER CHRISTMAS IS TODAY! Spent most of yesterday getting the murder mystery party organized. Played "Among Us" with a group of friends last night for a couple of hours, mostly "murder tag"--everyone knows who the imposter is, imposter has limited vision and low kill cooldown.
Got a lot of work I need to get done today before the evening, gonna try to push through. Finished most of it and the party went really well! S. was the killer and no one guessed it, too distracted by the other storylines going on. One person dropped out in the middle so that was a bit tough to juggle but other than that people seemed to have a lot of fun roleplaying and hanging out. We played some "Among Us" afterwards and then I played a little Animal Crossing before bed.
oct. 29, 2020
Let it be known that I don't like the New York Times article/quiz about Biden/Trump fridges. That's some spaghetti on the wall.
an article about tmg songs about cars
oct. 28, 2020
Yesterday: Found out about a zine librarianship (un)conference happening in the next couple days, gonna try to attend some of the sessions. In my "Info and Society" class we had a guest from the Cincinnatti public library discuss the importance of programming that listens to and works alongside their patrons who most need it. It encompasses everything I like about public libraries.
Today: "I am an adult and the world is broken."-S. Walked to and from CVS three times today, once for M&Ms, twice due to a mistake I made at a liquor store early in the night.
oct. 27, 2020
My plan was to push myself today. I was able to get quite a bit done in the early morning which helped me keep up some pace through the afternoon. I washed dishes, organized the house a bit, sent a postcard, went to the library, and got through most of my readings for today's and tomorrow's class. The last thing I have to do is write a blog post about ethics in zine librarianship, which I think I'm just gonna call it now and say this'll be most of my academic focus while I'm in library school (outside of taking classes for either public librarianship or special collections librarianship, in which zines can find a place in both).
The artists' book class I'm taking gave me an idea, might work on a book of "letters I never intend to send". The pages will be envelopes that are closed, the reader has to rip them open to read the contents. There will be an extra envelope with my own address so that the reader can respond in some way.
While at the library I picked up Pullman's "The Good Man Jesus and the Scoundrel Christ". I'm enjoying it, mostly because of the structure of short chapters, following the general outline of a story I'm already familiar with. I talked with S. yesterday about how reading has become a bit disenchanting to me. It might be a sign that I should focus on my creative output. That tends to be the trend: several months of not reading and instead of writing/making, several months of reading and no writing/making.
I am feeling anxious right now, has led my mind to think about the hundreds of teeth found in walls by construction workers that were remodeling an old dentist's office a few years ago.
oct. 26, 2020
Sunday: Spent most of the day in pain (hands and feet). Watched a number of Lindsay Ellis videos.
Today: Watching more Ellis videos. I'm at the library right now trying to organize my thoughts and there is an older man at a table to my right who is reading a book just titled "UFO" with a flying saucer on the cover.
Watched several "Overboard" videos with S. which was a nice way to end our day.
oct. 24, 2020
Zine ideas I currently have:
-"Queer Teen Movie Soundtrack"
-writing prompts
-NITW fanzine
-on the dislike of poetry and performance art (hint: it's capitalism)
Went through poetry submissions for Liminal Transit Review. Showed S. the AOC stream and we decided to get a group of friends together to play "Among Us", played for like 3 hours tonight.
oct. 23, 2020
Spent most of the day thinking and telling the story of my great-grand-uncle who made an airplane with a friend, flew it for twenty minutes and crashed. Storytelling class was really fun.
Last night I watched "Booksmart" (I've got a theory about coming of age movies post-John Hughes, but that's for another day). Gonna do that podcast later tonight. I did watch a Mountain Goats concert that they recorded during quarantine, started with "The Plague" and ended with "No Children", so a perfect set.
Folded a lot of paper for books. Have decided not to get Moth, too many factors not lining up right now, especially finances.
Really enjoyed reading and finishing "Grease Bats" today, felt familiar and home-y.
aoc stream I've been watching on and off for the past couple days
oct. 22, 2020
Spent a lot of today reading Archie Bongiovanni's "Grease Bats"--like the introduction said, I see a lot of my own queer friends in the comics.
catalog of "grease bats" on autostraddle
Started making a new book, possibly two. Went to 2 zoom meetings, one with my library school cohort, the other one about class suggestions for next semester. Have to watch "Booksmart" tonight for a podcast I'm doing tomorrow with Antonio and our friends G. and A. Gotta practice my story I'm performing tomorrow.
Got Dancing Dog for lunch, first time in months.
glad you're doing well by cottonwood firing squad
oct. 21, 2020
Yesterday was terrible, financial anxiety just shut me down. Today’s been a process of slowly getting out of that freeze mode. M.’s cat Moth was taken to the humane society and the poets were called upon to see if someone wanted to adopt him before he was processed. S. and I have talked about it, still up in the air but I’d like to give Moth a good home.
oct. 20, 2020
Sunday: Carved pumpkins with E., K. and S.
K. carved a hot dog cart, E. carved a line from a poem, S. carved Gregg from NITW, and I carved Mae doing "NIGHTMARE EYES" in NITW.
Monday: Spent most of the day working on annotated bibliography for my social justice class. Watched "Creature of the Black Lagoon" for the first time. Not surprised that most of the people who were killed were POC. Began watching "The Wolf Man" (1941), thinking of watching as many of the Universal Monster movies as I can before the end of the year.
Today:
oct. 18, 2020
oct. 17, 2020
Got up early and walked to CVS for milk. Went with S. to the supermarket for pumpkins, we are gonna carve them tomorrow with E. and K. Took my bookbinding final. Thought a lot about "Because the Internet" by Childish Gambino. Might have forgotten to take my meds this morning, feeling nauseous now. Re-watched "The Addams Family" movie and I couldn't stop laughing.
oct. 16, 2020
Terrible night of sleep, woke up around 2:30 and worked until 7:30. Attended another event about trans-inclusivity in libraries. Listened to the new Open Mike Eagle album, really like the first half. Got the new MG album in the mail (cassette) but don't really have the time to sit down and listen to it today (it's a week early from it's official debut). Gonna zoom with Antonio and Kyle later tonight.
oct. 15, 2020
Started playing Animal Crossing again a couple of days ago. Felt somewhat productive today, but when 5 o'clock hit mood went down quite a bit. Did attend a really interesting talk by Lazarus Letcher about the difficulty of finding BIPOC trans people in archives, so much to think about and be "haunted" by.
oct. 14, 2020
terrible mood today. S. finished playing "night in the woods". went on a walk.
more about my current mental health
oct. 13, 2020
The particular wave of anxiety I mentioned yesterday has just carried on through today. Spent a lot of the day working on an annotated bibliography of YA books (and media) about queer mental health. I also included an episode of "Steven Universe", the entirety of the show "Sex Education", and the game "Night in the Woods". Got an extension for this assignment because my anxiety made it really difficult to work. The anger I described last week has just become anxiety. Fuck that.
twitter interaction that inspired that song
oct. 12, 2020
I have caught myself daydreaming the past few days, which is very odd for me. Daydreaming, at least as an adult, tends to be future-oriented and I don't like to think a lot about the future. After a really difficult period in 2014-2015, many plans I had were demolished and I started focusing on what was right ahead of me. S. has challenged this behavior in me, trying to show me that you can plan for a future but still survive if it doesn't end up the way you planned. Now that we are planning on living in a van for some time I daydream about the places I want to visit.
I go through periods of watching a lot of late-night talk shows on YouTube... (to be continued, got anxious while writing)
oct. 11, 2020
In the past week or so whenever I sit down to reflect on my day and write about it here I sometimes feel its futility. I began this diary as a way to situate myself in a confusing time and it served that purpose for a while but I think that's changing. Not sure where it's going but I don't want to end it.
oct. 10, 2020
Today is S.'s birthday. We spent some time on a neighbor's porch while S. glazed some of her ceramic pieces before the neighbor fires them. We got Domino's for lunch/dinner. I spent most of my morning working on my bookbinding final project. Play video games with G. and talked for a while about S. and my plans for the next couple of months. Made banana bread.
Last night I drank a whole bottle of champagne while working, chatting with Antonio and Kyle over zoom, etc.
p.s. Alex, I received your zine today! Thank you, there was a lightness in it that I love in your writing that I need in my life right now.
oct. 9, 2020
Yesterday I deleted the pages here on flounder where I was tracking every podcast episode I listened to and every movie/tv show I watched. The strange anxiety of keeping it up to date became too much.
oct. 8, 2020
Been working on my final two books for bookmaking which have been incredibly stressful for some reason (I don't feel like I have as much control over the final product as I wish I did).
Got an acceptance from Burning Jade Magazine, my poem "my grandmother's horseracing notebooks" will be in their second issue: rituals. A lot of great news lately in the poetry realm!
(Louise Glück won the Nobel Prize in Literature this year, news came out today. I have not read much of her work but I do know a couple of her mentees who have only said great things about their time with her.)
I feel a wave of anger and frustration starting to take over again, seems to happen at least once a month during quarantine. When it hits I'm forced to the passenger seat where I can watch the car veering off the road but have little control over the speed we're going. Every time I'm back here I try to think of ways that will prevent this from happening again but once it naturally passes I just forget about it until the anger starts to creep back in. I've gotten quite a bit of good news lately and that excitement is dampened by this wave, compounding the frustration. I've been trying to think about the image that TC talks about in the video below, the one of a tree turning into a flock of birds. It brings some of the wonder in the world into focus for me.
the hart crane poem that inspired "my grandmother's horseracing notebooks"
oct. 7, 2020
TC Tolbert talking about photographs
oct. 6, 2020
Visited E. and K., chatted about Halloween plans. Most of the day was spent doing work for my social justice class.
oct. 5, 2020
I'm convinced that one of the biggest mistake that humans make is to not instinctually consider ourselves animals. A lot of our language points to a clear distinction between animals and humans, like the evolutionary track from primate to here no longer matters.
Had two beers tonight. Watched several John Mulaney interviews throughout the day. Stopped by the library. Painted my nails. Heard some good news about a micro-chapbook I sent out a couple of months ago, will share them once things solidify some more. Getting a poem published tomorrow so that's exciting! I've been very lucky to get some poems published in the past few months, it still surprises me that there are people who enjoy my writing (I don't get imposter syndrome in anything other than writing).
oct. 4, 2020
Yesterday: made to-do list, went grocery shopping, got a very nice email from TC, S. made cinnamon rolls, we took some to E. and K., figured out what I'm getting S. for her birthday, went to Harvest Market to pick out some craft beers (had a strawberry lager when we got home), and watched John Mulaney's "Kid Gorgeous" and "Ocean's 12".
Today: watched "Ocean's 13", laundry, been very anxious about this coming week.
Thought: I now listen to almost everything (except for a couple of my favorite podcasts) at 2X speed.
oct. 2, 2020
- I want to write a book of writing prompts.
- Spent almost the entire day writing a paper on zines. I had a lot of fun writing it but still tired.
- Had sushi again for dinner, both S. and I agreed that last night's food was underwhelming. Today's was very good (Chicago rolls and California rolls).
"cigarettes and coffee" by otis redding
Reminder to future self: Last night/today we found out that Trump has covid.
oct. 1, 2020
"the oracle was stoned" by chester wilson III
Oh, the internal anguish! Fuck. The above poem plays with things that I both love and fear: the interpretation of modern ideas unto Greek/Roman mythology. When it's good it's great, but when it isn't... The above is in that first category and I went to look up more about the poet to just find that they are an undergrad at the same university I am at. I am trying to remember if I ever met them and I think I did, possibly at the lunch with TC. I wonder if I'll bump into them again, it's hard to know now without live readings, workshops, etc.
I've spent most of the day trying to write a paper due tomorrow for my storytelling class; I'm writing on the importance of queer storytelling within zine librarianship. The topic of zines has come up a number of times in my classes this semester and it feels like there is a reason behind it, or that I WANT there to be a reason. I miss when I would make a zine every school semester, just throw some poems together or even just a long sentence and make a bunch of copies and leave it around campus for people to find. I remember once visiting Alex in the house he shared with a bunch of other friends and seeing one of my zines hanging on the wall with other pieces of art. I've been messing around with a zine idea since January and might try to make it soon, probably after my bookbinding class is over. I still have no fucking idea what I'm gonna do for that.
I'm happy it is a new month, it felt like September had worms crawling around in dark corners. The past two nights after dinner, when S. and I are just chilling I'll play a day or two in "Night in the Woods". The main character, Mae, drops out of college in the middle of October and goes back to her small town to just roam around, spend times with friends and family. There is a supernatural element to the story but I might talk about that some other day. I think it's the ordinariness of what Mae does after a serious life event that captivates me, the way the town around her acts. Last Halloween my friend G. and I decided to dress up as characters from the game, me as Mae and G. as Gregg, Mae's best friend. Mae carries around a notebook that serves as a way to see different accomplishments you have achieved throughout the game as little drawings. You later learn that this is a way for Mae to keep from going into a bout of derealization. For the costume, I decided to make Mae's notebook-- I would spend hours looking at screencaps of the game and drawing them in a composition book with sharpie. I think I went through two or three sharpies. Working on this little project was such a good way for me to slow down from my daily life and just do something with my hands, which is always the most satisfying work I do. Writing is fine but I feel an intense sense of pride when I make something physical. The imperfections work for some reason. I would love to draw like Mae does but doing it off the cuff feels weird, I've tried. I guess I get the same type of relief from writing this diary that she does from drawing. Keeps me here.
Had to watch that famous video where Ira Glass talks about taste and quality of creative work for my storytelling class. It was weird watching it in context with the full interview instead of just as a kinetic typography video. Got sushi and ramen for dinner with S. and looked through the WindowSwap project for a while. A lot of Serbia and South Korea and southern California.
"gif in a half shell" by manda comisari
There is a full moon tonight and I downloaded an app to make sure it was actually a full moon.
sept. 30, 2020
The past couple of days I've been filled with insecurity that has stopped me from deciding on my final bookbinding project, sending important emails, and even how I should finish this sentence (took me somewhere close to an hour to decide on something). I think that a lot of this has to do with the fear of expectation vs. reality, having to come to terms with either as a limitation for the other. I want to make an ambitious book but I don't think I have the right text yet for that book. I'm not sure how to best overcome this insecurity, how it's hard to move forward without believing that the earth below you will crumble.
Yesterday I: listened to my social justice course while washing dishes, released the new They/Them episodes in the morning, went on a late-night drive with S. to calm down from the day, went on a late-night walk to pick up some donuts. S. and I had a long conversation about how technology has changed the way we relate to older generations because they no longer serve as the keepers of important knowledge. We can now find a lot of that elsewhere and view elders as the ones who need help accepting our current society instead of the other way around. In class, the professor mentioned that there are several programs being made that will be able to read and decipher handwritten diaries and other ephemera that has cursive handwriting because more and more people don't know how to write or read it. A classmate chimed in saying that her 25-year-old step-daughter was never taught cursive. Learning cursive was a huge part of my third-grade experience, where we also learned how to type, so I don't understand why they have to be mutually exclusive.
A couple of days ago I was watching a video of Stephen Colbert and remembered that he ended the last episode of The Colbert Report by playing "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" by Neutral Milk Hotel. I looked it up to see if I was remembering this correctly and I was.
Since hosting a conventional Halloween party will not be possible this year I suggested to S. that we have a zoom murder mystery party with friends. The last murder mystery party I went to was in middle school and I was the murderer.
I've spent most of the day going back and forth from news coverage about the first debate (I didn't watch it, I knew it would be too much) and reading about community engagement through libraries. All of this has overwhelmed me without being conscious to it. Will most likely play "Night in the Woods" for some friendly escapism, except that game usually turns into a tool for introspection every fall.
Got two postcards from my library school mail group, and sent two out.
sept. 28, 2020
I took a break from writing this weekend, not planned but useful. The days were slow, the nights were cool so I would sit on the porch when the house felt stuffy. On Saturday I finished listening to the Sufjan album (I'm enjoying it, especially the first half), finished the long-stitch book, and saw some friends during a social-distant hang out in our backyard. S. and I told them about our plans to travel in a van and they all seemed excited for us. Sunday started early with a trip to the grocery store, calmer than usual, and then a zoom call with Antonio and Al. We recorded a new episode of the They/Them Podcast; the subject was J.K. Rowling's blog post defending her TERF comments and beliefs. It was so nice to see Al again because we're both not great at reaching out to the other but always get back in the groove of our friendship. Got tested for COVID and I'm clear. Watched a lot of stand-up on YouTube, began my yearly play-through of "Night in the Woods", and got some late-night fast food with S.
When I woke up this morning I thought it was still the weekend. Two men attempted to break into S.'s car sometime in the early afternoon, but thankfully our neighbor's friend scared them away. Our moods changed after finding out what happened. I wasn't able to focus very well, distracted by watching Sarah Millican's stand-up. S. did receive the postcard I sent her, though, as well as my first postcard from someone in the library school's mail club.
sept. 25, 2020
Woke up today and spent most of the early morning listening to the first half of the new Sufjan Stevens album that just came out, "The Ascension." I'm saving the second half for another day, maybe tomorrow morning when I plan to finish my long-stitch book that I've been working on and off for the past three days.
my current favorite from the new album, "ursa major"
I was anxious most of the day about finances, which took a lot of my energy along with performing my Persephone story in class. It went well, I think, most people enjoyed the way I adapted the story. After work and walking Holmes, S. and I drove around town looking for vans on sale. Then we settled in for the night, zoomed with Antonio, K. and a new friend. I am exhausted, nothing else to say.
sept. 24, 2020
I told my adaptation of the Persephone myth today for the first time and I think it went well. It's a story that has grown to mean a lot to me, and I think it can mean so much more when the narrative focuses on the strong women that inherently exist in Greek mythology instead of the misogynist tendencies found in many iterations. A group of four of us from class met on zoom to practice and it was a fun time to get to know them better and also enjoy the act of sharing with each other.
Stopped by the library to turn in a couple of things and mail a postcard to S. I'm excited to see her reaction when it arrives. We talked for a long time today about possibly buying a van in the near future so that we can go on camping trips and utilize this time where we can work remotely. This is the kind of big life change I've been looking for.
Today is ending on a bright note, having just watched a zoom presentation and interview with the trans comic artist Archie Bongiovanni as part of a program that is trying to make libraries more trans-inclusive (and ultimately less-gendered spaces). It was nice to have some overwhelmingly queer joy at a time that things feel like they're either moving too fast or not at all. Archie said something about how queers in their 20s feel like they are messes and reassured us that we will always be that way, through our 30s and on. There is nothing wrong with being a mess. I kinda love it.
sept. 23, 2020
I've been quite productive the first half of the day, things are slowing down in the afternoon though. I went to CVS this morning to buy cereal, read my page of "War and Peace", and sent another postcard to Antonio (I fear the first one won't get there because I forgot to put the zip code). Attended a zoom meeting about Artifact (heyartifact), a company that does personal podcasts for archiving of familial or group histories. Downloaded "what3words" app and thinking about a series of poems based on the way the app assigns 3 random words to specific locations in the world. Read about how to understand and interpret community through libraries. My back and feet have been in pain most of the day.
The news about how the cops who killed Breonna Taylor did not get convicted is making me think about what should come next. I am heartbroken.
sept. 22, 2020
Today feels like it has been smudged by someone's thumb. Spent a lot of time looking at videos about Michelle Wolf's White House Correspondent Dinner speech. Sent a postcard to Antonio. Thoughts are dissipating much faster than usual. Going to start reading “War and Peace” two pages per day.
sept. 21, 2020
There isn't a lot to say about today:
- I put all of my books back on their shelves yet with little attention to order because I currently don't have the time or patience to do it. This is very rare for me because one of my favorite things about moving or doing a deep clean is being able to re-organize my books and find places for new additions. Yet, I already went through the entire process sometime in May or June.
- Decided to tell the myth of Persephone for my storytelling class (this Friday) but making it queer and less assault-focused.
- I feel lost, not sure in what or why.
- Have not hiccuped since early yesterday.
sept. 20, 2020
Woke up this morning and finished going through all my books with epigraphs. I've got to put all the books back because the bookshelves in my studio are completely empty, while the floor is littered with books. I also spent some time adding stuff on here, such as links for easy online maneuvering.
I went to the library to print something off for S. and listened to my 2020 playlist for the first time in a while. I keep adding stuff on there from my Discovery Weekly on Spotify but rarely take the time to listen because I don't walk around town as much anymore. In the shower I thought about maybe starting a habit of writing a postcard to a friend every day and walking to the post office to send it, giving me a reason to go as well as maintaining communication with people I care about. If you're interested in getting a postcard every once in a while feel free to email me using the "contact me" link on my index page.
S. and I hung out with K. and E. tonight, just chatting.
sept. 19, 2020
S. and I went with Holmes to a huge sunflower field around 3 p.m. We'd spent most of the morning just talking in bed so we were excited to be out and walk Holmes.
I woke up just before 8 a.m. this morning because I was going to do a four-hour meditation with a group on zoom but I quit about an hour into it. For the first half hour everything went well except that as I seemed to wake up more my brain became restless and I had a flood of thoughts I couldn't help but feel my way through.
Yesterday, I was walking to the library on the first cool morning of September and started to hiccup. I've been hiccuping on and off since then, sometimes with intervals of a couple of hours. A couple of years ago I went to the ER because I had been hiccuping for four days straight and there was a possibility it was a brain tumor or a number of other terrible things. Ultimately they went away with some pills that relaxed my diaphragm. So, when I get hiccups I immediately worry about how long they last because they interrupt everything, talking, thinking, etc.
Yesterday I was thinking about why I always have a feeling that I'm going to get hit by a car when I cross the street. Since undergrad I remember imagining that I got in a car crash whenever I would go to a particular crosswalk, remembering how a student had been killed on another road nearby one summer. I also remember having a "flashforward" moment, a premonition, when I was 9-10 years old where I was getting hit by a car. I'm afraid that someone who is prejudice against me will be the one to strike.
Trying to decide whether or not I should record little fake radio shows for my friends and send it to them every month. That way I can share music I like and also get to include other stuff in between songs.
"I love you & it's all your fault."-The Book of Wolf from "The Holy Bible"
sept. 18, 2020
I started a conversation a couple days ago on Midnight about the frequency and type of poetry people are reading. It's interesting what stories we tell ourselves that make us afraid or uncertain about our own investments in certain genres. I'm trying to find better ways of introducing poetry to people as well as making them more comfortable with engaging with it in their daily lives. I think there are so many poems out there that could help certain people but they don't know how to find them.
original post and responses at midnight pub
Been thinking quite often about how the study that originally proved the placebo effect included inaccurate findings so as to popularize the practice of double-blind procedures for scientific research.
My diploma for the MFA arrived today. I have a hard time processing these types of accomplishments, they seem so abstract. Played some Super Mario Sunshine which was incredibly nostalgic, took me back to those days in middle school when I would hang out with my "big brother" who was a college student and we'd go to his apartment and play Gamecube. Got some D.P. Dough for dinner, a lasagna calzone, and watched the Taylor Tomlinson netflix special with S.
/diary/