diary (feb. 2021)
feb. 25, 2021
The past few days have been quite busy trying to stay up to date on all my classes after the depression low I had last week. Yesterday was especially long because I had to finish a paper, prepare to lead a class discussion, etc. I've been in a better mood lately-- it helps that I've been busy.
Today was especially good. I did forget to go to one of my classes but I don't think I missed much. Looks like we're going to play D&D this Sunday so I have to finish some last-minute details for the first session. I interviewed the head teen librarian at my local public library this afternoon (it's for an assignment in my public library course). It was a really nice talk, she was quite high energy and more than happy to answer all my questions. She told me that I seem to be a good fit for teen librarianship and that I should apply for a position at this library that might be available in the next few months.
feb. 22, 2021
Woke up around 4:30 a.m., not able to fall back asleep yet. My thoughts keep coming back to a realization I had last night: one of the reasons this depressive episode has been as strong and all-consuming as it has been is most likely connected to the fact that our current phase of quarantine feels too far from the beginning and too (possibly) close to the end for positive change to occur. In the summer there was still the possibility that I could make this experience productive in a spiritual and physical sense, yet the exhaustion of confinement and continuous global turmoil has only added to the problem. I have been reduced to a day-by-day perspective, which makes the afternoons difficult (been too far away from the beginning and not close enough to the end). It's around 1 pm when my thought process might take drastic dips until 6 pm.
feb. 21, 2021
Watching the Harmontown reunion and it's brought me some joy that I missed since the end of the podcast.
feb. 20, 2021
Yesterday: Quiet day. Depression fog continues. S. and I finished re-watching "Pushing Daisies" and talked about things we would like to see wrapped up if they ever get a movie/new season/etc. Wrote a new poem and did research on St. Sebastian.
Today: Copy and paste of yesterday. Worked on the mini-chap.
feb. 18, 2021
Depression has taken a lot of energy out of me today. Went to the library to print of some stuff and roam. Been listening to "Tallahassee" by tMG on repeat. Finished the Drake book last night, it finished beautifully and wish there was more of that story to read. Started a puzzle.
feb. 17, 2021
Yesterday: Took a walk for the first time in a week or so, not all the sidewalks were clean but I made my way to CVS and back with little issue. The public library was closed due to the weather. I'm really enjoying the Drake book, I think it has to do with the "troubled kid goes to a small town to figure things out" trope. I want to believe there are quiet places where worried minds can imitate the silence, even for a couple of seconds. Been chatting on Twitter with Al, apparently things in his master's program in Spain aren't going well. I worry about him, he's the closest thing I have to a sibling and I love him deeply. Forgot to take my meds until 5 p.m. yesterday which is out of the ordinary for me. S. and I got HBO Max again so we could re-watch "Pushing Daisies"-- it is one of my favorite stories of all time. It has a very queer vibe to it even though it's about a heterosexual couple (the AIDs metaphor behind the show helps with that, not being able to touch the person you love most for a fear of dying, how the creator of the show is a gay man who saw a lot of his friends die).
Today: No classes today, it's a scheduled day off since the university canceled our spring break. I need to work on that Public Library paper. I have some poem ideas floating around that I want to pin down soon, I want to try and have a mini-chap ready by the end of the month for the Ghost City Press Summer Mini-Chap series. I had a mini-chap published by them in 2018 and every year since I mean to put something together but my ideas are either too big or I lose steam.
S. and I talk about saints every once in a while, I was named after one because I was born a few days after their feast day. She says that she always found it weird that Catholics believed in saints when God is all against false idols and worshiping anyone but him. I understand that but there is something very human about wanting an intermediary between the celestial and the human-- someone that can be a part of both and survive (well, except for the martyrs but they survive in a different respect).
feb. 16, 2021
a beautiful cover of "old college try"
Got the extension. I revisited these tMG covers last night.
feb. 15, 2021
Been busy working on my Youth Services project, and have another paper due tomorrow for my Public Librarianship class. Most of my free space is spent watching Critical Role (currently on ep. 14), listening to audiobooks (currently reading "The Last True Poets of the Sea" by Julia Drake), and playing the updated Stardew Valley on Switch. I'm taking a break from working on the D&D campaign for a couple of days.
Yesterday morning I finished listening to "The Haunting of Hill House" by Shirley Jackson. The writing is incredibly captivating, especially the internal world of Eleanor. It was not scary in the ways I expected, which I appreciated.
I'm feeling exhausted-- I think quarantine and the fact that the winter storm is making it impossible for me to go on a walk is compounding my frustration with everything currently. Going to ask for an extension on the PL paper, most likely will get it because professors in library school (from my experience) tend to be very understanding and accommodating.
I spent some time today reading old entries in this diary and it's obvious to me that I would have no idea what the past few months were like if I didn't keep this record.
feb. 13, 2021
"Shirley" was good, there are certain pieces here and there that don't necessarily make sense but work as a whole. I wrote a poem yesterday afternoon and one this morning. S. and I celebrated Valentine's day last night by ordering some food/booze, watched "Golden Girls" most of the night.
I need to focus on an assignment for my Youth Services class that's due tomorrow night.
feb. 12, 2021
Finished writing my thoughts on the Enriquez short story I mentioned in my feb. 2 entry. I felt exhausted trying to put them into words and still do but I have some extra energy today. The past week+ has been... foggy at best. I have not been reading anything except for homework assignments and even then it's been a struggle. Most of my free time is spent thinking about the D&D campaign I'm writing. We're hopefully going to start playing at the end of this month. I'm incredibly afraid that I am putting so much work into a world that my friends won't want to interact with and play in.
I finished the main story of "Age of Calamity" a couple of days ago. S. and I agree that it has elements that feel very "fanfiction-y". The main issue is that BOTW works so hard to make you forget that it's a video game while AoC is constantly reminding you that it is a product. BOTW is one of my favorite pieces of art, period. AoC is like Andy Warhol's Mona Lisa prints-- it is art but something vital from the original is lost in translation.
I'm watching the movie "Shirley" (2020, a biopic of sorts about Shirley Jackson) off and on today, coloring my mood.
feb. 4, 2021
Yesterday: Mostly worked on classwork and went to class. Stopped by CVS for a couple of essentials. S. is watching Jessica Jones.
Today: ---
article about "punisher" album cover
feb. 2, 2021
Recently read the first story from Mariana Enriquez's "The Dangers of Smoking in Bed", which had this beautiful line: "It's not exactly practical to try and strangle a dead person, but a girl can't be desperate and reasonable at the same time" from "Angelita Unearthed". The story reminded me a lot of a conversation I had with my dad a couple of years ago about the term "magical realism". We were discussing how "magical realism" was more of a literary movement from the 1970s in Latin America than a genre, so to say that a book published in 2021 is magical realism is somewhat incorrect.
The story follows a granddaughter finding human bones in her grandmother's backyard. The grandmother had put the bones there when she had moved from Santiago, Chile to a new town. The bones were of a dead sibling who did not survive long after birth. Every time it rained the grandmother could hear the baby crying. The granddaughter grows up, the grandmother dies, and the family moves away from that town. As an adult, the granddaughter is visited by the rotting corpse of Angelita, the baby's ghost. No one else can see her. One day Angelita asks to be taken back to the grandmother's house. They visit her bones in the backyard but Angelita does not disappear as the narrator hopes. The last image is that of the narrator watching Angelita fall apart while running after the bust the narrator is riding to go home.
My father told me that his mother, my grandmother, really believed in things that would be considered magical realism but to her were just part of reality. As the world changed and science became a more prevalent source of knowledge in Latin America, these beliefs dissipated over time. My father believes there is truth to some of these magical occurrences yet the connection has been lost between us and these otherworldly powers. This story represents the consequences of our forgetfulness. We are haunted by things we cannot and no longer attempt to understand.
feb. 1, 2021
S. wants to pick an orange from an orange tree and eat it. I used to do this back in Puerto Rico, I think we had an orange tree in our backyard (my grandparents' house).
story by my friend Chris, love the last line
I think about, with some frequency, the music group LMFAO and how the two members are nephew and uncle.
A lot of my schoolwork right now centers around community engagement and how libraries can work towards understanding the communities they are based in.
The flounder stickers arrived today! Going to put them up in different parts of town soon.
/diary/