diary (jan. 2021)


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jan. 31, 2021


Yesterday: Played quite a lot of "Age of Calamity". Getting used to the graphics, not as jarring anymore. Organized things around the house. Sang along with "Bird on a Wire" by Leonard Cohen as I cleaned. I want to learn that song on the ukulele once I get mine looked at.


The morning felt like Christmas because multiple packages arrived, some we had ordered and a care package from our friend Grace. My new dice and a pin arrived, S.'s tea as well. As for the care package it had a great selection of candy, a lovely outdoors cooking set, a NITW inspired pin, etc.


Found out our friend Amy, who works at Trader Joe's, may have COVID. She's showing some symptoms but it's not completely certain yet.


Been listening to "Holland, 1945" by NMH every time I shower recently.


Today: Thinking about the spoon ring S. had when we first met. I get saddened by the thought that it still exists but we could not and still can not find it.


phoebe bridgers interview where she talks about sad music being "trauma representation"


Worked on homework for youth librarianship and information organization. S. and I had some drinks with lunch, chilled for a couple of hours. I'm trying out the app Speechify, a word-to-speech program, to help keep focused while reading for my classes.


jan. 29, 2021


Read an interview with Matt Mitchell on Maudlin House, still thinking about this question/answer:


"Q: One of my favorite aspects of these poems is the incorporation of pop culture in your work—whether it’s Mary Clayton or Harry Styles or Mitski’s Twitter presence (RIP), the references serve as both metaphor and vessel. Do you think pop culture references are truly ekphrastic? How do you feel about that whole notion of “timelessness” in poetry?


A: Pop culture references are definitely ekphrastic, but also maybe not?. I’ve gotten to this point where I’m obsessed with responding to things I see on TV or in music, as probably evidenced in this book, haha. But recently I rewatched the Evil Genius documentary on Netflix and was obsessed with absurdity of the whole murder plot/body in the freezer angle. So then I wrote a poem about it while also riffing off of William Carlos Williams’ plums poem. The argument that pop culture is not ekphrastic has much more pull now than it might have 40 years ago. Almost everything we do now is influenced by popular culture to some extent, so it’s kind of at this point where we have to discern what we are absorbing out of our own curiosity as opposed to what has always been there. For example, an old French film with subtitles is probably more ekphrastic than a song on the radio now. Ekphrastic poems rely on access, and what we have access to now is limitless. The reason some works are no longer timeless is because we have long quit writing about those things. So as long as we are writing about whatever we have access to, they’ll always be timeless."


Started playing Age of Calamity and it's fun, but the visuals kinda make me nauseous. There are just some camera movements that are jerky and make it hard to focus.


Harmontown, one of my favorite podcasts of all time, is doing a special live episode to celebrate its tenth anniversary. At first I thought the tweet was announcing that the show was coming back to its regular schedule but this is just a one-time thing.


I'm watching episode 3 of Critical Role and can see myself watching the rest, but it'll take me a long time to catch up if I keep my current pace. I think my favorite character up to this point is Caleb. I like the lower energy he brings to a generally overexcited group.


jan. 28, 2021


In my information organization class we debated for quite a while if a bike in a basement could be considered a document (no). Tried the Switch Ring Fit last night and around noon again today. I'm enjoying it, just a couple of things here and there that I don't understand about the game mechanic.


Painted my nails. Left a candle burning while I took a nap, came back to my studio with a heavy smell of smoke. I keep thinking about Antonie van Leeuwenhoek, the "father of microbiology" who died without telling anyone how he made his microscopes and it took over 150 years to make competing microscopes. What information dies with every person?


Saw the end of a talk by Dr. Angel Daniel Matos about the importance of sad endings in queer YA. He told the story of teaching a book about AIDS to a class of undergraduates, none of who knew about the devastation the queer community experienced due to AIDS. Most of them believed it was a problem overwhelmingly in Africa. That makes me incredibly sad, the thought that young queer people are already forgetting but a lot of that is also routed in heternormative history being taught in schools and not brought up by parents.


I'm currently listening to "Punisher" on cassette. I like the warbly-ness of music on cassette, it's kind of the opposite of what audiophiles say about vinyl (the warmth of the "crackle"). I like that some things don't transfer well and get kinda lost.


Launched my etsy shop for homelandly press. Still working on a couple of details though.


jan. 27, 2021


I turn 27 y.o. today at around 6 p.m. Bought myself two Switch games as birthday presents. Our friend D. bought me a ukulele and it arrived today! It was a complete surprise and a welcome one. Talked to my grandfather, my dad, and my aunt. My grandfather just got the first of the two covid vaccine shots.


Had Community Engagement and Reference Service classes, learned a lot about both professors even though I had already taken a class with the CE professor.


jan. 26, 2021


My birthday is tomorrow. Finished watching the first episode of Critical Role, Campaign 2 after several days of going back and forth to it.


Mail: A cassette of Phoebe Bridgers's "Punisher". A care package from my parents to celebrate my birthday.


Got some ribs from Black Dog with S. to celebrate a little early. We watched "Step Up 3" as we had dinner.


My information organization and public librarianship classes were today. I'm excited for both classes, the public library one a little more since that is what I'm most interested in currently. Both of them will be very useful to build up skills I'll need in the near future.


Started a new file of "Hollow Knight". Accomplished what took me about a week in the summer during my first playthrough in about two hours.


jan. 25, 2021


First day of the Spring semester. It kinda crept up on me. My Youth Services class went well, your typical first-day banter. We did an exercise where we were paired up and asked to talk for two minutes each about a prompt, the other person was forced to listen completely without interrupting or forcing a conversation.


Spent quite a bit of time organizing postcards I've gotten in the recent past so that I can start responding in a more timely manner. Got pizza from Manolo's for lunch and dinner.


S. and I took Holmes on a walk to pick up a few things at CVS. The sidewalks were very icy so there were several times where I had stopped walking and was just sliding forward or downhill. S. began her microbiology class today, told me the story of a doctor who implemented handwashing for his med students before germ theory was completely formed. He was ridiculed by his colleagues even though death rates at his hospital drastically went down with the new protocol. He eventually lost his job, went to a psych hospital, and died there due to an infection caused by a lack of cleanliness from the staff.


listened to the first song from this ep, "Blueberry Skies" by Loser Company, while Holmes and I just sat in front of CVS.


I've only smoked two cigarettes in my life. I do not remember the first one well, but the second was while a friend and I sat at a café in Toulouse (or Bordeaux, can't remember exactly) waiting for a waiter that never came, talking about her grandfather's recent passing. I was certain I never wanted a cigarette ever again.


jan. 24, 2021


Hanging out with E. and K. later today, need to clean around the house a little. Finished reading "House in the Cerulean Sea" and really enjoyed it! Nice, simple story that is somewhat predictable but there is a lot of joy to be found in that.


good interview with rachelle toarmino


jan. 23, 2021


Had a sandwich (The Colloseum) from Cheese & Crackers for lunch. Finished playing "Celeste" on Assist Mode in the morning. I really appreciated the note that comes up when you turn Assist Mode on because it mentions how everyone should be able to enjoy the story the way they want to without feeling pressured to be a technically skilled player. I wanted to focus mostly on the narrative for my first playthrough so making myself invincible was nice, enjoying the storytelling and music more than I would have if I was just grinding through. I started another playthrough, this time only turning on Assist Mode to slow down certain scenes so that I have enough time to think out my moods. I still die quite often but I'm enjoying it much more this time. This is vastly different from "Hollow Knight" in which I did not mind the grind of continuous exploration and death. Maybe it's my mentality that's different or possibly the mechanics of "Hollow Knight" are more interesting to me than those of "Celeste". You are fighting to survive in "Hollow Knight" while "Celeste" is about timing and dashing.


I spent some time working on the DnD campaign, coming up with a write-up to give the players an idea of what the world that we're playing in is like so that they can work on their own backstories. The more I have written down the easier it is to make narrative decisions that were incredibly hard to make a couple of days ago. I've never written fantasy or scifi so the amount of worldbuilding it demands is not something I'm used to when telling stories. Everyone seems pretty excited to get started with the campaign.


Listened to more of "The House on the Cerulean Sea". There are quite a few young characters that have been a little difficult to tell apart at times so it took me a while to get in the groove of the story. I'm enjoying it now, though.


After podcasting with Antonio, I went to CVS to pick up some ice cream and mac n' cheese.



jan. 22, 2021


The past two days I've been mostly focused on creating the foundation for the homebrewed D&D campaign that we're gonna start playing soon--on Wednesday I solidified the pantheon of gods, yesterday I made a map of the entire continent and wrote up quite a bit of the history of the world. I've been watching some Critical Roll content to get in the right mindset. Our friend Grace is always talking about CR and it's not the first time I try to get into it, my main hesitation being that I'm kinda tired of seeing all-white RPG scenarios (especially ones that include race as big plot points, but I'm not sure this ever happens in CR). I'm trying to get past that with CR, but I also just want more popular BIPOC games to come to the forefront.


Been playing chess on and off with S. and I won a game for the first time yesterday. I tend to play reactively which has led to several losses, but I entered the game last night with a more aggressive opening--pulled back after a couple of moves and then went full force until the end.


On Wednesday I had my interview for the museum job and it went really well. I then got an email yesterday telling me that I have the job (as soon as some paperwork gets done)!


Today: got tested for COVID (waiting for results), got tarts for dessert, started playing "Bioshock" for the first time, cleaned out my inboxes, played "Celeste".


jan. 19, 2021


Tomorrow I have an interview for that museum job.


jan. 18, 2021


On the 15th our friend D. came to visit, she's heading back home sometime tomorrow. The past few days have been full of playing card games, chatting, making food, and just overall fun. It's a great change of pace from our daily lives. We played the pizza box game, first time since undergrad I think. On the 17th, D. and S. and G. started making their characters for the campaign I'm writing. I applied for a job at a local museum that I really hope I get because it sounds kinda perfect for me and would pay well. D. gifted S. a ukulele. S. bought a jenga set and one of those multiple board game sets which includes chess so that we can play together. I've been enjoying Nerts, S.'s favorite card game.


I started to learn "Brave as a Noun" by AJJ on the ukulele. I've got the first few verses and chorus down.


jan. 14, 2021


Quiet day. Spent some of it thinking about a zine, looking for jobs, watching videos about fashion, and folding paper. S. and I went to get tested for COVID, they changed some protocols. We came back home and watched the entirety of "The Queen's Gambit" show, which was good-- there were several changes from the book that made the story work better, except for bringing Towne back at the end when Beth's in Russia.


jan. 13, 2021


Finished listening to "The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes" by Suzanne Collins, chatted with S. for a long time about it. I spent most of the day organizing my studio and the kitchen. The mess especially in my studio was making it hard for me to work/think in there. I got out a lot of books that I want to read this year and piled them up in a corner, but I doubt I'll be reading any physical books anytime soon. Audiobooks just capture my attention better, it is quite scattered in the past couple of months.


I did end up going to campus and printing off my new zines. I'm thinking about making my dream journal here on flounder into a zine, especially since I want to begin to add to it again after not updating it since October.


jan. 12, 2021


I got the D&D books I ordered, so I can get back to planning the campaign I have in mind. Spent most of the day setting up social media for homelandly press (the title I'm releasing my zines under). I'm planning on printing the news zines late afternoon tomorrow. Went through my inbox and emailed back a lot of people.


Tried to watch the first episode of "The Queen's Gambit" but I couldn't sustain my attention for long enough to really enjoy it.


jan. 11, 2021


I spent most of the day finishing the audiobook of "The Queen's Gambit", which I enjoyed but also led to some frustration about innate ability. The anger I've been feeling on and off during quarantine took over for an hour or so while I walked to campus to make copies of my zines but saw that there were people in the building, so I went back home.


S. and I discussed getting a chessboard.


jan. 10, 2021


Another mostly quiet day. Spent the morning listening to "The Queen's Gambit" (book) and typing up the play I'm making into a zine. My grandfather called in the afternoon to say that he has taken the typewriter apart and he might be able to fix it, which is great news. We chatted some about an old neighbor he had as a kid that told others he was an alien.


S. got a flat tire while biking today, was picked up by our friend E.


jan. 9, 2021


Stayed up late last night, partly because I was finishing the zines and partly because S. started watching the seasons of "Criminal Minds" she's missed and episodes tend to be pretty scary. I got a mental flash of clarity near midnight that led to organizing some new ideas, make an "uber list" as described in the podcast "I See What You Did" (a list of 100 things to do in the new year with the intention of only getting to a few, feeling some sense of progress while also having something to fall back on when bored).


Today's been quiet: started reading "Emergent Strategy", worked some more on those new ideas, went to CVS to get a couple of things and mail a couple more zines out. Not much else.


jan. 8, 2021


Had a nice burst of energy and motivation today, worked on my 2020 reading zines (since they're mini-zines I couldn't fit everything I wanted in one so I made a second, similar to my tattoo zines). Applied to a couple of jobs. I ordered D.P. Dough for dinner.


jan. 7, 2021


I tend to have high school dreams at least 3-5 times a year but now, due to the pandemic, I'm having them almost every other night that I can remember my dreams. A majority of them take place in my mom's old classroom at the high school where she taught and I studied. A lot of them feature me having issues with lockers.


Spent most of the day thinking about societal trauma that has built up since 2000 and how that has had a huge effect on my growing up. Finished the last divine beast on BOTW. I began working on my 2020 reading zine. Might adapt the play I posted here into a zine. I need to make something that exists in the real world, which will help me stay grounded.


jan. 6, 2021


In the past couple of years I've created a habit of finding out about online book clubs, reading the books they are currently discussing, and never engaging in that discussion. I don't know why I do this.


Today the Capitol building was raided by fascists. During a phone call with my dad he noted that I sounded tired. I told him about the negative psychological and emotional impact I experience because I engage with the news and he responded "why don't you get away from it?" Like it's that simple.


Spent most of the afternoon playing BOTW. Anxiety was intensified by the news and phone call.


poem by leia penina wilson


jan. 5, 2021


Finished reading Paul Lisicky's "Later: My Life at the Edge of the World". I enjoyed it as a meditation of life and death, yet there were a number of points in it that felt lacking (especially a throughline with Lisicky's mother that doesn't really get explored through the very end). Then I listened to "In Watermelon Sugar" by Richard Brautigan, which is a very short book. I tried to read it around this time last year but something else caught my attention, I guess. Like most people newly interested in the book, I discovered it through Harry Styles and enjoyed the lyric quality of the writing. I fell asleep soon after finishing the book and woke up with a few lines for a poem I'm currently working on.


Last night I ordered the core books for D&D 5e. I've been reading them on my laptop but have gotten to a point of exhaustion with looking at a screen for so long, especially when working on something creative. If there is a physical quality to a project I'm more likely to work on it-- I can see it taking physical space somewhere instead of just mental space.


Need to call my mom, it's her birthday today.


During lunch I watched a couple of episodes of "Lizzie McGuire" and one of them was the episode that caused one of the first anxiety attacks that I remember. In the episode Lizzie feels like everyone around her has these passions that will dictate their futures, and she is somehow behind because she hasn't planned her future. I watched that episode sometime in middle school and I could not fall asleep one night, thinking that I had to figure out my future before sunrise or I was just gonna waste my entire life. I don't consider myself a person that thinks a lot about the future anymore, though.


My anxiety was pushed over the edge once I got news that my grandfather's typewriter arrived broken so he couldn't start writing on it.


S. and I watched "Wild", which she had seen before. It's your typical "go out in nature to find yourself" narrative but the grieving aspect was interesting. Might watch "Moana" next. Feeling better.


jan. 4, 2021


Depression fog. Played a lot of BOTW.


jan. 3, 2021


Thinking about the uncertain future of Toothpick Poetry, a poetry zine I've been trying to get off the ground since Summer 2019.


It's easy to take for granted the way that some pets understand the need for physical connection. Holmes was playing with a toy next to me on the bed and continued to try to settle one of his paws on my hand, reminding me that we are here.


Watched the commencement speech by David Foster Wallace at Kenyon because it was referenced in the movie "Soul". I'm not sure if I've ever heard it in its entirety before.


Played more BOTW. Our friend D. let us use her Disney+ account so I've been re-watching some childhood favorites from the Disney channel including "Recess" and "Kim Possible". S. has been listening to the audiobook of "Catching Fire" most of the day.


Finished listening to "Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me" this morning-- what I got from it is that the treatment of depression has honestly been an endeavor of throwing spaghetti at a wall and seeing what sticks. New depression meds aren't being made because the high cost-low reward in the short run for most companies is not worth the intense rounds of testing. Yes, we are learning more about biomarkers that may help us figure out how to better treat depression, but a lot of those advancements are at least ten years away. The author has treatment-resistant depression, so the book focuses quite a bit on the many experimental options available for that population (including ketamine). It was a good read overall: good balance of facts, and anecdotes from the author and others with depression. Started Paul Lisicky's "Later: My Life at the Edge of the World", which is an account of the AIDs crisis that is much more nuanced than others I have read. As a queer person, it feels like my responsibility to learn more about the AIDs crisis and how that has affected the American queer community for decades.


Honestly don't think I have the energy to make a full zine, so I'm trying to adapt an idea into a mini-zine format.


jan. 2, 2021


Updated my Excel sheet of every poem I've ever written to include Summer and Fall 2020. I haven't written a lot in that time but have been coming up with some new ideas the past two days.


Around 8 a.m. I went to mail a letter to my dad, stopped by CVS for a muffin. I was in a low mood for most of the day. Learned that the human brain firing neurons sound like radio static. Went grocery shopping and started a new BOTW file while S. listened to her ceramic glazes course.


We watched the new Pixar movie, "Soul". Still formulating my thoughts on it. After that S. started watching "Inside Out", which really feels like a blueprint compared to their newest film.


It's snowing intensely right now. It's supposedly going to continue snowing most of the night.


jan. 1, 2021


new hs video, "treat people with kindness"


My general energy today was higher and lighter, spending much of the morning with a clear mind. Listened to "Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me" by Anna Mehler Paperny (which I've been reading on and off since summer). It's helping me think about my depression in a more nuanced way after spending a couple of weeks in a deep slump. I'm listening to multiple audiobooks now, jumping in between this one and "Queen's Gambit" and the new Hunger Games book.


A lot of my time is spent on TikTok because it helps me feel connected to the queer community that I'm currently lacking in isolation. I'm also learning a lot about ADHD through it, which I want to bring up to the next therapist I have (hopefully I can get back into therapy by the end of this year, but I want to go in person).


S. and I walked Holmes to West Side Park in the afternoon. They turned back while I went to check up on Pigeon, K. and E.'s cat that I'm taking care of until they get back tomorrow. They were visiting E.'s family and then spent some time at an AirBnB. There is something very satisfying about being in someone else's house while they aren't there. It feels like putting on a friend's coat-- it gives you a glimpse on how they physically inhabit the world around them. Pigeon bit me for the first time three days ago but it did help me stop being afraid of getting hurt. She's not violent, just a little jumpy about the way strangers pet her.


I hope to work on my Ezra Furman fanzine in the next few days, plus probably a zine about the books I read in 2020. Going through them has helped me reflect on such a fucking odd year.


Antonio and I recorded an episode of the They/Them Podcast about Latinx masculinity and genderqueerness as well as how quarantine is changing many peoples opinions about gender all together. It was a much deeper and emotional conversation than I expected but I think that I needed it. Talked to S. about getting my ears pierced once it's safer to be out in public.


JBU episode we talked about on the podcast




/diary/