diary (january 2023)

january 29, 2023

I honestly can't believe it's been over a week since I last wrote an update. It feels like only three days have gone by. Most of that time was spent working on my chapbook (I've got a cool direction for it now, working on editing some parts) and re-watching Steven Universe and Steven Universe Future.

Sh. got back from South Korea on Thursday, a day later than originally planned due to bad weather. She had to stay in a Canadian airport overnight to wait for her early morning flight. We got to hang out for a couple of hours before she needed to get some sleep and I had plans with my friend, A. We went to a sandwich place nearby that was really good and talked for over four hours about life the past couple of years (haven't seen her since 2021). It was really nice to catch up with her and hear about her plans. It made me feel optimistic about both of our futures.

The next day (Friday) was my birthday. Sh. worked from home so we got to hang out all day. I finished Steven Universe Future and cried multiple times. The aimlessness that Steven felt during most of the season was extremely relatable to the past year of my life. Friends and family reached out via text or phone call so I spent most of the day responding to them. After lunch, we went to Wrightwood 659 to see the exhibit "The First Homosexuals: Global Depictions of a New Identity 1869-1930". All I knew was that we were going to an art exhibit and I was certain Sh. would pick something awesome, which it was! The exhibit had a lot of different pieces exploring what it means to present homosexuality and queerness in art, especially during time periods in which those subject matters are taboo. It also compared and contrasted the ways sexual desire was presented in Eastern and Western art. There was a painting near the beginning of a boxer that struck me, as well as a pair of portraits done by women artists of each other that symbolized their relationship. We went back to the apartment after that, hung around until Sh. finished her workday, and then went out to a local bar for drinks and nachos. It was a great day overall but that wasn't the end of the celebration!

Yesterday (Saturday), Sh. and I started our day off a little later than usual so she could get back to a more regular sleeping schedule. I should Sh. a photo shoot A. did with a doll and we came up with the concept for a horror film that involves our main character discovering the photos and then getting murdered with the doll. We then find out that the murder victim turns into a doll and replaces the broken one.

Our first stop of the day was the central branch of the Chicago Public Library, which is a stunning space. We kept joking about the famous Chicagoans whose photographs or quotes appeared on the walls like Neil Gaiman, T.S. Eliot, and Salman Rushdie. It was interesting to visit such a large central branch after spending a lot of time thinking about and applying to smaller library systems recently. I think there could be a place for me at a library like that down the line but there's a lot I need to do first.

We then had lunch at a great burger place, mostly because they have good fries and I mentioned wanting fries the night before. A grand ole time was had before wrapping ourselves back up to go into the snowy streets of Chicago to make our last stop. It took until we were facing it for me to realize we were headed to the Art Institute. Sh. led me through the museum to see one artwork first: "Untitled" (Portrait of Ross in L.A.) by Felix Gonzalez-Torres. It's simple but finally being in a room with it was breathtaking. I've spent so long thinking about that and other works by FGT that it meant so much to me to be able to pick up a candy and take it with me. I liked watching how other people interacted with the piece, especially how children would eat the candy without really knowing the context behind it all. Sh. and I then started roaming through the museum, joking around and taking pictures. I didn't know that Sh. had taken art history in the past so we had a lot of great conversations about different exhibits. I love going to museums with people that know more about certain art movements than me, it's so much fun seeing what makes them light up. Sh. really made my birthday feel special and after such a difficult past few months I can't understate how much this has meant to me.

It's Sunday, woke up around 5:30 a.m., hopefully gonna be a chill day. We were planning on watching a couple of movies.

january 20, 2023

I spent most of yesterday thinking about my character for the MOTW one-shot I played in the evening. They are a folk punk musician who writes a zine about cryptids and other weird stuff going on: Rat "The Mouse" Gomez, the Flake. The one-shot was a lot of fun, it was about a sorceress who uses a magic doll house to kid nap people and do a de-aging ritual. It starts with an influencer going missing after a video of hers goes viral. The last time I played MOTW I was a more physical character who would get into fights and do damage, but the Flake is more about solving the mystery and thinking your way out of problems.

I had that phone call I mentioned before and it went well! We chatted about the differences between academic libraries and corporate libraries, how to find specialized library jobs, etc. She also said that my resume looks good which is great to hear because it's something I worry about a lot. Of course, it's subjective because people like different styles, but still an ego boost after sending it out so often.

I was planning on going out today but I need to make some progress on the job search and send a couple more applications out. Might go to the library for a little bit to get some fresh air and move around.

january 19, 2023

I followed a similar groove today but wasn't as productive. I'm still stuck on what I want to do for the chapbook. I need to figure it out soon if I want to collaborate with S., who might do some drawings for it. I think once I have a title idea I can cobble something together but I need that connective tissue.

Joined a Monster of the Week one-shot for tomorrow! I still need to prep my character. I like the MOTW system and now with people trying to venture away from DnD due to the OGL situation, there are more opportunities to play it.

I've got a call tomorrow afternoon with a friend of a friend who works in the corporate library world. We're gonna chat about what that's like to see if it's something that might interest me.

Chatted with S. about Holmes, he's been sick the past couple of days.

january 18, 2023

I was quite productive today: worked on my campaign, looked through old poems for a chapbook, applied for a library job, went to Aldi, and chatted with S. The cats were very lively. I listened to some more of "Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow", which I began yesterday. I'm enjoying it so far. I'm hoping to continue pushing forward tomorrow; keep my productivity and energy up.

january 17, 2023

Currently in the library working on some dnd stuff and applying for jobs. Last night I re-watched the Steven Universe movie after watching a couple of songs from it on YouTube. I then began watching the series for the first time since the summer of 2015. I had almost forgotten how important that show was to me when it was airing.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my perception of adulthood when I was a kid, how I thought my friends would have established lives and I would be this figure who would appear in town and stay on their couches while I continued my travels. This wasn't because I thought I wouldn't need a job (one of the most intense anxiety attacks I've ever had was when I was a kid worrying about not finding a job as an adult). I honestly don't know why I thought this would be my adult life, but that's what it's been since August. I contact friends, ask them if I can stay for a month or two, and make my way there. I then panic, apply for jobs, try to find short-term solutions to my problems, rinse and repeat. Kid me never thought it'd be this stressful but I'm also happy. That's the confusing part about this state of instability. I hate not having a full-time job because I don't have a singular place to call mine, constantly worrying about the bills I still need to pay, and the health insurance I need/want. BUT, I enjoy the time I get with my friends and the pleasure of living this odd dream I had as a kid. I'm privileged to have friends and family that will help me however they can. I try to not take that for granted. Somehow as a kid, I always knew that I wouldn't want to follow the societal patterns given to me. I was always going to deviate somehow.

S. asked me last night if I was going to date while in Chicago and I answered that I wasn't. There are too many other things for me to think and worry about than going out on dates. Plus, I'm quite happy being single right now. I miss the stability of being in a strong relationship but that takes time and commitment, two things I don't have much of these days.

january 16, 2023

Very slow day, nothing much happened other than talking to S. on the phone. Sh. left for South Korea on Saturday, which I spent the day in getting my bearings and playing "Kentucky Route Zero". On Sunday I took a long walk and got some chores done. I had plans for today but I couldn't get the energy to leave the apartment on a rainy day. Tomorrow I'm hoping to go to the library and get some job search things done.

january 11, 2023

My last full day in Florida. My family is gonna take me out to dinner but other than that it's just a chill day, doing some laundry and packing. It seems like my parents are happy here, which is nice to see. I understand why they want me to stick around for longer but I feel somewhat trapped. When I was growing up we lived about 8 miles out of town in the country and if I wanted to do anything it required a 15-minute car ride. Similarly, even though they live in a city now you have to drive everywhere and there isn't an easy way for me to meet people. Plus, it's difficult to not revert back to who I was as a teenager when I'm around my family because that's how they treat me. While I still feel completely lost about getting a job and where I'm gonna go after Chicago, it'll be nice to be back in the Midwest. I miss the cold winter because being here feels like I'm out of time somehow. I have a good feeling that I'm going to figure things out soon, I have more energy and am slightly more focused. Hopefully, that lasts.

january 9, 2023

Only have a few more days in Florida before I leave for Chicago. The past week I've spent most of my waking hours passing my DnD campaign notes to Obsidian so that I have easier access to them while dungeon mastering. All of my hand-written notes are now organized and in one place instead of in different notebooks and loose papers. I haven't made any progress in anything else but that doesn't worry me too much-- this is how my mind works, I need to use the focused energy when I can. I finished watching the last two Dimension 20 shows I hadn't watched, "A Court of Fey and Flowers" and "Pirates of Leviathan". ACoFaF was amazing and probably the funniest D20 show. PoL was okay, I think it being the first zoom season did not do it any favors.

I've been listening to a lot of Yellow Ostrich's first album "The Mistress" lately. I was first introduced to it by an ex through the last song, "Mary (Alternate)". It's honestly the only song I ever remember that ex introducing me to. A couple of months ago another song from the album was on my Discovery Weekly, and then this week I just dove into the whole album hard. I like the use of the loop pedal and the almost excessive harmonies that fill my head with voices (which make me feel less alone).

january 1, 2023

Happy new year from Florida! My parents and I ate grapes and had some sparkling juice to celebrate the new year while watching fireworks. I rolled my d20 for my initiative this year, something a group of my D&D discord friends was doing, and I got an 8. Not great so I followed the suggestion to roll with advantage and got an 11, which is better! Some of those same friends were discussing the tradition of beginning the new year by listening to "This Year" by the Mountain Goats, which I've done before but it doesn't necessarily feel right this year (joke not intended but haha nonetheless). I wanted something a little slower so I listened to "Exegetic Chains" from "Songs for Pierre Chauvin". It has a line that references "This Year" but feels more like a song about community while also being somewhat melancholic. So, after listening to "New York, New York" forced unto me by the stream my dad was playing, I listened to "Exegetic Chains" and then "This Year" because you must embrace contradiction. Then my friends in Chicago called me and I'm currently on the phone with them, laughing my head off. Their drunk shenanigans is exciting after very chill few days.