diary (october 2022)

october 31, 2022

End of another month. I didn't sleep very well last night because I was anxious about the end of this year, still no clear direction or plan. Work was calm. Stopped by Walgreens to grab a few things since our oven/stove isn't working currently. I talked to my dad who is in the hospital; he's doing alright and should be released soon. S. had a dentist appointment and was home most of the day. I'm currently reading "Strange Stars", a book on 1970s sci-fi and the effect it had on pop music, specifically David Bowie. Revisited "Blackstar" while on my walk home. I love the intensity of that first track.

We had an extra scary session of D&D tonight to celebrate Halloween. It was very fun!

My dad found out that a friend of his is living in Columbia and has an extra room I can stay in. Don't think I will though because it's too far from the library and wouldn't be worth the hassle of the bus system.

october 30, 2022

It's been raining most of the day here. Feel stuck both emotionally and physically. Finished "The Hurting Kind" first thing this morning. The last half was more captivating to me. Been jumping between a couple of books of poetry to see if anything sticks.

october 29, 2022

Hung out with S. in the morning and watched "Craig of the Creek". There's an episode in the first season where the kids meet some college students in a band and it made me extremely emotional. Not exactly sure why. Work was fine. I'm chilling at home with Holmes tonight.

a panel on Bolaño i've been going back and forth from all day

october 28, 2022

Woke up around 1-2 a.m. again. Finished watching "The Judas Contract" Teen Titans movie that I started last night and then decided to watch "Beetlejuice" for the first time. It was fine. I remember my French teacher senior year showed the first part of it to us on the weekend before Halloween, but I never finished it until today. I had forgotten everything about it except for the fact that Alec Baldwin was in it.

I had a little more energy today so I applied for a couple of jobs after getting some sleep. I watched some "Teen Titans GO" but got tired of it after an episode about how to become a landlord. EXTREMELY WEIRD EPISODE. I then started "Craig of the Creek", which I'm enjoying a lot.

october 27, 2022

Yesterday nothing special really happened other than S. and I had a nice chat.

Today I've been down, no motivation or energy. I'm close to finishing "The Hurting Kind" by Ada Limón, her newest book. There are a couple of poems that have resonated with me but it's not necessarily the aesthetic I tend to crave in poetry.

october 25, 2022

I woke up at around 1 a.m. due to stomach pain. Also couldn't hear out of my left ear. I took a sick day from work so that I could go to urgent care and get things checked out. Everything is good, can hear all right now.

On my way back from urgent care it was raining and I got drenched but the walk was nice. I spent most of it working through some of my anxious thoughts; since finding out the news about the Indiana job, I've been re-evaluating my plans for the next few months. I'm still not sure what I want to do but the walk at least helped me feel better about the general confusion. I will continue to apply for jobs but the rejection is getting to be a lot.

october 24, 2022

Didn't get the Indiana job. I'm sad. It's that simple.

I played the "Longest Night" mini-game. Don't remember if I've ever finished it, but I like how some of the ideas still appear in NITW.

The interview went well. They mentioned that there are a lot of candidates up for the job, which makes me think that many of my library aide colleagues applied as well.

Finished "The Spirit of Science Fiction" by Roberto Bolaño. After I started reading it I kept seeing reviews and articles saying that you should start with one of the later novels but I liked it. It's messy, sure, but it feels like the type of early novel someone who considers themselves primarily a poet would write. It reminded me a lot of 2017 living with A. while in my first year of the MFA. Might read a couple of poetry collections and graphic novels before I get to "Savage Detectives" but my plan is to read it soon.

october 23, 2022

Quiet and slow day overall. I finished this year's playthrough of NITW! Then played "Lost Constellation". I've spent most of the day going between the game and reading "Spirit of Science Fiction". I'll finish it tomorrow if all goes well.

I finished cataloging my poems last night, so everything is up to date.

on repeat: "i love you too" by ezra bell

october 22, 2022

S. and I went to a local diner this morning; had a nice time folding origami cranes.

E. sent me updates about Mike's memorial that happened today while I was at work. Made me a little sad and anxious that I wasn't there but it's okay. I've worked through a majority of my feelings about Mike's passing earlier this year.

Currently watching some "Teen Titans GO!" while working on the poetry catalog. It's not a great show but I'm mostly watching it because I really like the voice actors playing those roles.

october 21, 2022

I finished season 5 of "Teen Titans" and then watched "Teen Titans vs. Teen Titans GO!" movie. The original series is really good, except that season 3 and season 5 are weaker. Season 4 is possibly my favorite other than the first season. The movie was silly. I started "Trouble in Tokyo", kinda sad about not having any more of that version of Teen Titans to watch.

I started cataloging my poems again, it shouldn't take me long to get it fully updated.

(Just finished "Trouble in Tokyo"-- it felt like a good ending for the show. Also ended up buying "Monster Roadtrip", the third game in the Monster Prom series! I did one run-through of it and it was really fun! More on it after I play it a few more times.)

october 20, 2022

I finished "Meddling Kids"-- liked it way more than I expected. It's a fun adventure. Yes, the prose can be a little too expressive at times but I like the overall effect.

After work this morning I went to a local café and organized my thoughts, made to-do lists for the next few days. It reminds me of how back in my junior year of high school I sat down for hours and mapped out my life on several sheets of paper, exploring my dreams/goals, my friendships, everything. It's not always easy to organize my thoughts, but when I can I want to get everything out.

I saw the older protesting man on the street corner twice today and we had a nice conversation. He really brightens up my day as I'm walking to or from work.

Decided to make the NITW notebook and bought the materials during a late-night trip to Hyvee.

october 19, 2022

Had plans to go to a café for a little bit to try to clear my head but ended up staying at home after work. Might try to go tomorrow. It's gonna be a weird day because I've got two hours of work in the morning and then an hour of training later in the afternoon so I have to make the trip twice. It's not an insignificant walk so I don't tend to do it more than once a day but there was no avoiding it this week.

Made more progress with NITW, "Spirit" and "Meddling Kids". I like jumping between the different narratives because it helps me not feel too stuck on any one thing.

Talked to A. on the phone while making dinner. We had a great conversation about our art, the plans we have, etc. I haven't really talked to him much since leaving Iowa City so it was really nice to catch up.

october 18, 2022

Got a "no, thanks" from the Minnesota library I interviewed for last week. Doesn't surprise me.

Played some NITW, read more of "The Spirit of Science Fiction", and am halfway through "Meddling Kids". I really feel like I'm just twiddling my thumbs until I get news from Indiana. It's really hard not to build it up in my head since this is the farthest I've gotten in the process for a full-time position in a while.

S. and I got some impossible whoppers for dinner tonight.

october 17, 2022

Thanks to everyone who responded to my question from yesterday! Got a lot of really nice comments. My plan is to make a messages page to respond to a few things in the next day or so, I'm having a bad brain day all around.

A resident of mine from when I was an RA in college saw me at the library today and we chatted for a while.

I tried to be productive but my brain said "no."

Just started season 5 of "Teen Titans".

I finished going through my DW playlist last night, currently working on one of monster related songs by the Mountain Goats.

october 16, 2022

Quick question: does anybody read this? I know I check out other daily writing on here, but does anyone come back to mine? I'm just curious, don't think the answer would change my writing or output at all. I write for myself so that I have some record of my day-to-day experiences.

The past couple of days has been okay, mostly going to work and watching "Teen Titans". I'm on season 4 right now. Also still going through my DW playlist I mentioned last time, down to around 9 hours of songs to go through. Yesterday I spent most of the day reading graphic novels and trying to get back into other books I've started. I don't seem to have the energy or attention for it though.

I've decided to scrap my original concept for the "Night in the Woods" fanzine. The way I was working on it wasn't allowing me to actually have fun playing the game so I'll just have to figure out some other way to do it. I played for an hour or so today and had a great time, I'm at the point right after the party in the woods. One of my favorite elements in the game is a notebook that Mae carries around and draws different moments or thoughts she has. In 2019 I dressed up as Mae for Halloween and made my own copy of her notebook with a classic black and white marble-covered notebook and sharpies. Since I currently don't have access to my copy because it's with all my stuff in Illinois, I might make a new one just for fun. I remember the process of making it as being really therapeutic, which is the in-game reason for Mae having it. We'll see how this week goes.

On my walks to work recently I keep having the reoccurring thought "I'm ready"... and I don't really know why. I think it's because I'm ready for some type of change. I was having a solid day today and thinking about not getting the Indiana job really made me anxious. I want the job and move to be the change I need right now.

october 13, 2022

Yesterday: S.'s air mattress I was using completely de-inflated during the night and did so again while I was at work, so we went to Target to pick up a new one. I bought a bigger one that was on sale, most likely it's gonna be my first bed wherever I move to next. While at Target S. bought the brownie Oreo cookies which are honestly a little too much of everything. I spent a couple of hours cleaning and organizing that night while watching the original "Teen Titans" series. I'm currently at the beginning of season 2. I remember watching a few episodes here and there as a kid but no storylines in particular. It's honestly way better than what I expected.

Today: I began yet another play-through of "Night in the Woods". I already had a file that was pretty early on in the game but I wanted a fresh start. I'm going to work on my fanzine at the same time, current title is "This House is Haunted, This House is Gone". I have around 1600 words already written from when I began the zine last year but I've got to scrap some of it since so much has changed. Some lines are hitting differently this time around.

I had to pick up my food handler's license from the Department of Health for work so I walked there, which is farther than I've ever traveled on foot in Columbia. Somewhere around an hour from the apartment each way. While walking I was going through a Spotify Discover Weekly archive playlist I have that has saved all the suggestions I've gotten for the past couple of years. Going through my DW playlist every week was important to me from 2015-2019, it was something to do while doing chores or just relaxing on a Sunday or Monday. Then things got complicated and busy (surprise, surprise). Anyway, it's been a lot of fun going through this 70+ hour playlist and finding new songs to listen to. Currently still have around 43 hours of music to explore but I don't tend to listen to the full songs anyway. I tend to have a good idea about whether or not I like a song in the first minute or so. The instrumental songs were especially fun to listen to while on my walk because they felt a lot like a soundtrack.

On my way back from the Department of Health I stopped by the bookstore and got some lunch. The rest of the day has been pretty chill, just watching more "Teen Titans" and texting Sh. My mind keeps going back to the Indiana interview I had a couple of days ago. I really think I have a chance of getting that position. I just hope I'm right.

october 11, 2022

Watched the Courage the Cowardly Dog/Scooby-Doo crossover. Talked with Sh. about the idea of making a Scooby-Doo podcast. Had the Indiana interview today: it went great! Got a good feeling from the people interviewing me. I should know more in about two weeks. Went to Schnucks with S.

october 10, 2022

There's a lot floating around in my head right now so I'm just going to write it all out, with no thought to structure:

S. left for an art conference on Friday morning, so Holmes and I had the day to ourselves. I finished "Grasshopper Jungle" and went to the library to pick up the sequel-- surprised to find out that the narrators aren't the same but I kinda like that the more I think about it. My friend Sh. went to see four Del Toro movies at a theater in Chicago, so our texts have been slowly working through his movies and motifs. I'm currently in the process of rewatching the original Hellboy movie. On Saturday the book drops at the library were closed so shelving was extremely slow. We had nothing to shelve by the end there which never happens. S. came back from her conference and we picked up some treats to celebrate her birthday, which is actually today. On Sunday I played "Alice is Missing" with a group of ttrpg friends over Discord and fuck, it was a lot of fun! Stressful but very fun. I played Evan (The One with the Crush). The game follows a group of high school friends who are trying to find Alice, someone close to them who's gone missing. It has a killer soundtrack and other than setting up and concluding the game, it's played entirely silently over texts. Totally worth playing it for October! We had to cancel D&D due to a scheduling conflict but I don't know if I could have run a game after "Alice is Missing." Afterward, I needed to calm down a little so S. and I re-watched "From Up on Poppy Hill" while watercolor painting. After that we watched "Fruits Basket Prelude" which I hadn't seen before but S. had when it came out in theaters and read it in the original manga. I finished reading "This is How You Lose the Time War" by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone which was beautiful and kinda perfect. I've heard a lot of great things about it but it really surpassed even that. Afterward, I tried to read the novelization of "The Shape of Water" but it was slow and not as captivating. Still in the process of deciding what my next audiobook is. I still want to finish "The Spirit of Science Fiction" by Bolaño but it's been hard to get into the flow of it again.

Today I have a professional development day at the library and then an interview in the afternoon. I'm trying to take everything little by little because there's a lot going on up until Wednesday this week.

(The PD day was good but I had to leave early, I wasn't feeling great. The keynote speaker was a joke though-- all over the place and incredibly ableist. S. seems to have had a nice birthday, went to brunch with some friends. The interview went well. I should hear from them about whether or not I get a follow-up interview sometime next week. I finished watching "Hellboy" (2008)-- which I started on Sunday-- and then immediately watched "Hellboy" (2019) which felt like a knock-off. It really never figured out what it wanted to be. It felt like two movies that they balled up into one because they were sure they weren't gonna get a sequel but still end the movie on two cliffhangers. Very weird.)

october 6, 2022

Had another depressive day today. I spent most of it listening to the audiobook of "Grasshopper Jungle" while doing chores and writing in my notebook. I went on a short walk to the health food store and bought some stuff, including a beer called "Gotta Get Up to Get Down" from Wiseacre Brewing Co. I stood in the store staring at the can for a while like it was a message from the gods. It's a coffee stout so it went well with the cookie I bought. I started to feel better when I received an email from the person who interviewed me on Monday inviting me to a second interview next Tuesday. That means that I didn't totally bomb on Monday which is great! Prepping for D&D by playing my character playlist also got my mood up. The session was really active, exploring a huge castle and fighting a wind giant.

I'm excited because I'm playing "Alice is Missing" on Sunday with some people from my dnd groups. I also have my Minnesota interview scheduled for Monday afternoon. The weekend and early next week are going to be pretty busy for me, similar to this past week.

october 5, 2022

On my way to work today, I saw a gallon of milk sitting on the outside ledge of a pedestrian bridge. The person who put it there must have gotten on the ledge because there's no other way it could have just been slipped on there. I wonder if it's been there a while and I hadn't seen it or if the milk was a new addition. I was listening to Car Seat Headrest at the time.

I've been in an odd mood for the last day or two but don't really know why, it's not overtly negative or positive. Just weird. Kinda the perfect time to play "Night in the Woods", though. My plan is to write a fanzine during this next playthrough, but I don't really know when I'll be able to actually assemble the whole thing. All my zine-making materials are in Illinois packed up.

The most unsettling thing about the past couple of days is how the crosswalk buttons say "wait" to me as I stand there.

october 4, 2022

My interview yesterday went... okay? The main issue was that I came home from work, took a nap, and woke up to the phone call an hour earlier than I expected. It seems that we were all confused by the existence of time zones and there is a clear difference between Missouri and Indiana. Anyway, I was half-asleep and rambling so that didn't really help my confidence. Other than that, I think it went pretty smoothly. I'll hear back from them sometime next week. Today I got news of another interview, this time for a library in Minnesota.

After the interview, I spent most of the day trying not to think about it, so I began to listen to the audiobook of "Grasshopper Jungle" by Andrew Smith. Still unsure how I feel about it but it is funny. I'm kinda jumping from book to book right now, having a hard time sticking to anything. That partially has to do with the fact that I spend a lot of time at the library looking at the collection and my interest is piqued by almost anything. I keep thinking about checking out a biography on Shackelton, who I was obsessed with for a short time in middle school. I just finished "Tres" by Roberto Bolaño, and I'm fascinated by the fact that the current photo for his Wikipedia page is actually just a picture of stenciled graffiti that looks like him. The first poem in the book really focuses on this idea of being stuck creatively and emotionally-- something that I also got from beginning to read "A Season in Hell" by Arthur Rimbaud. I'm still somewhere in the poem "Bad Blood" which is very long-winded. I want to attempt to write long poems again, but it's so hard to strike a good rhythm that doesn't overstay its welcome. My current fascinations that are feeding my writing are music, the idea of Hell, and obsession. Very original.

Today S. took off work so when I got back from the library we went grocery shopping and hung out. My dad and I talked during my walk back when I stopped in the local bookstore to pick up my order of "The Minotaur Takes a Cigarette Break" by Steven Sherrill, which the store owners were fascinated by due to the title. I just remember seeing this book a long time ago in a bookstore in Asheville, NC and I came close to buying it then but for some reason backed out. I don't know much about it but am excited to get to it if this frantic period of mine slows down or allows it.

Last note: D&D on Sunday was a lot of fun! I'm a little nervous for next session but I've got a good plan for it. Our Monday game started back up yesterday and it took almost the entire session for me to get back in the groove of my character. That game is very slow going but the group is a lot of fun and the big moments are really worth taking the time to build up to them.

october 2, 2022

My allergies woke me up around 1:30 this morning. I finished "Over the Garden Wall", read a little, and tried to go back to sleep. I've spent most of today working on tonight's dnd session. I've been really nervous about it but I know things will work out once the session starts. I have a good basic idea of what I want to do, which is what matters most.

I'm also a little nervous about the interview tomorrow but having gone through quite a few of these introductory interviews I know (mostly) what to expect.