diary (september 2022)

september 30, 2022

I can't believe it's already the end of September. I left Champaign two months ago. God, I hate the passage of time.

Yesterday I was in a pretty deep depressive hole, while today... I'm only partially in that same hole.

My family in Florida is fine. They were pretty far away from the hurricane. I talked to them today and my dad for some reason seems excited about the new Avatar sequel and was confused about the fact I showed no interest.

september 27, 2022

Monday through Wednesday I spend a couple of hours at the library kiosk surrounded by cheap coffee and pastries. It's a lot like the slow moments at the bookstore, sitting on a stool paying half attention to a few things around me, but being able to do some other minor task. From what I've noticed a couple of my co-workers will read books, text, doodle, etc. My head has felt a little too clouded lately to read even though I have a stack of books I want to read: finish "Actual Air" by David Berman and "Seek You" by Kristen Radtke, re-start "The Book of Form and Emptiness" by Ruth Ozeki, and keep reading the "Beastars" series. So I sit with my notebook and make lists, try to untangle some thoughts about the new poem I'm writing.

While there I was thinking about how I no longer keep a detailed Excel sheet on the poems I've written. I got the idea from a visiting poet at Truman who said her husband spent an entire summer cataloging her poems, both finished and unfinished. I think I started it in Summer 2018 and the last time I updated it was November 2020. Should I go back and add to it? What I liked about having one place with all this information is that I could highlight favorite moments and lines in poems so that if I want to use them for something new I can find exactly where it is. It also helped me rediscover forgotten poems, put packets together to send out to magazines, and see my obsessions on a bigger scale.

I recently re-watched "Inception" for the first time since 2011. It's fine. I much prefer the following

video by haley whipjack about how dom cobb is the real antagonist of the movie.

I forgot how homoerotic the relationship between Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Tom Hardy's characters is.

Hurricane Ian is supposed to hit Florida soon. My parents, who recently moved down there, are getting ready. As a family, we've dealt with our fair share of hurricanes when we lived in Puerto Rico but there's always that uncertainty about the next one. One of the most formative memories I have is being taken out on the front porch of my grandparents' house while in the calm of the eye of a hurricane. I asked my grandfather today if he remembered this and it took him a minute to remember.

september 25, 2022

Tidbits:

-Yesterday I had a dream where I made out with Will Toledo from Car Seat Headrest.

-I've been re-watching old Polygon videos recently, actively feeling nostalgic about fall 2019.

-My dnd games for the past month have been canceled and I'm starting to really miss them. I need to plan for next Sunday's session.

-Yesterday I finished the Franzen podcast I was listening to. I really liked the one guest that called out the hosts for essentially having stockholm syndrome from reading too much Franzen. I love projects that require that type of dedication, like 8 Bit Book Club where they only read books based on video games.

-S. is gone for the day and part of tomorrow visiting D.

september 22, 2022

Today I've been:

-doing chores around the apartment, first day off since starting work at the library.

-listening to a podcast about Jonathan Franzen. Never read any of his books and I don't really plan to, but I find an odd joy listening to conversations about literary fiction without having context on the actual book(s). It makes them sound so surreal and ridiculous.

-thinking about how I need to change my approach to job applications and the library job search overall.

Yesterday I was a part of a reading for Peach Mag celebrating their new anthology (in which one of my poems appears). It was a lot of fun and it made me so proud to be included with such great poets. So many cool people out there writing awesome poetry! I read a new poem from a series I've been working on for the past few months, everyone seemed to like it.

"something right here: un/natural mix"

september 19, 2022

Finally, I'm back! On the 8th our wifi went down and we've been in a constant battle to get it back until today when they finally sent someone out to fix the issue.

To catch you up on my life: I interviewed and got a job as a shelver/kiosk employee for the local public library here. I only work for a few hours four days a week but still, it's something. Today was actually my first day! I'm hoping this will help me find the next library job, a full-time position somewhere. I'm slowly getting back into the rhythm of reading and writing poetry which has been a lot of fun. I've played A LOT of Hades, getting through the main storyline and now marking off the different prophecies. I played Hades at the beginning of the pandemic and had fun but I really had no fucking idea what I was doing. I was just hacking and slashing through every room without putting much thought into the story or how to get better. This is like the second time I've re-visited the game and the first time I had a successful run (thanks to god mode which I had no idea existed because, like I said before, I had no fucking idea what I was doing). Without wifi I wasn't able to apply to more positions so I spent most of my time playing Hades or reading. Honestly, a charmed existence that I will miss somewhat but I also still feel kinda stuck. This past weekend our friend D. came to visit and we all went out thrift shopping because I needed some more work-appropriate clothes.

Anyway, I'm just happy to be able to write on here again.

september 5, 2022

-I went to the local indie bookstore and bought two poetry books. A kid came in with their parent and immediately yelled "Wow!" That made my day.

-S. is back.

-I've been watching a lot of "Um, Actually", a nerdy game show à la Jeopardy.

-Leaving a note here to check out "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace" someday.

currently on repeat:

"for the dancing and the dreaming"- how to train your dragon 2

september 4, 2022

I've been listening to the podcast "Me Reading Stuff" again and working on a special project most of the day. Finally finished a new poem and sent it to E. It's been months since I've finished something new, even though there are a lot of first lines in different Word documents. I was planning on going to the library but it was closed for Labor Day weekend so instead, I read/finished "Across a Field of Starlight" and beat "Cult of the Lamb". It's been quite a productive day in a personal sense but my head feels foggy-- there's a lot that I still need to organize.

great essay by my friend chris about the sims and reliving the past

september 3, 2022

S. headed to south MO. I went on a short walk around downtown and voice memo-ed a couple of friends. Listened to the podcast "Time:Bombs" and started reading "Across a Field of Starlight".

september 2, 2022

It's always funny to me how people view the seasonal change between summer and fall, like it has a clean cut-off point when September begins. I've seen so many social media posts about beginning to watch and enjoy media that's fall themed but it still feels too early to me.

Yesterday I applied for a couple of jobs in the Columbia area. We'll see how that goes. I stayed up until 3 a.m., and couldn't fall asleep, so I finished season 2 of "Beastars"--amazing. If my allergies aren't terrible this weekend (today was not a good day allergy-wise) I'll go to the library to pick up some more volumes of the manga to continue where the show left off.

I'll have the apartment to myself this weekend. S. is going to visit her hometown and celebrate her brother's birthday. I'm going to take some time to organize my thoughts, make to-do lists, etc. Everything feels so out of order in my life right now.

Seems like the downstairs neighbor has decided to set up a full drum set and start practicing at 9 p.m. So, that's great.