diary (sept. 1-17)
sept. 17, 2020
During my "Information and Society" class someone mentioned how it's odd and sad that we spend a lot of time teaching each other how to be human, e.i. empathy, altruism, compassion, etc. I wonder how much of this has to do with everyone's personal definitions of "human," and why so many might be missing these elements that help us connect with each other.
Attended a zoom presentation by Matthew Rubery about "book audio," the cross-section of audiobooks that supplements narrative with sound effects, music, etc. I'm not surprised to find out that the U.S. Army was the first to create a number of audiobooks after WWII, but I was surprised that it was for the benefit of disabled veterans who no longer had vision. I couldn't help but think about recording my entire poetry manuscript, working on weird music pieces with Antonio, and releasing it as a hybrid monster of words and shit. I loved listening to "The Lost Children Archive" by Veleria Luiselli because at the end of the book there are a couple of shifts in the narrative that get shown by having two narrators speak at the same time, one a child and the other a grown woman. This mix was so evocative when I first listened to it, just doing something that is beautiful for audio and wouldn't not hold up as well written down.
S. and I are working at the library this afternoon and I picked up the new Best American Poetry because for the first time ever I personally know some people who are published in it. I first went to Janice Harrington's poem "Putting the Pieces Together," and was struck by the following lines: "Hue adheres to human. / And the things we adhere to make us over / into their own image."
Listened to two different zoom presentations while working/cooking last night, the first about the Crochet Coral Reef project by Christine and Margaret Wertheim and the Institute For Figuring, the second about the poetry of "home." They both had me thinking about the creation of space, how that occurs through meaning-making.
urbana-champaign satellite reef
Went to CVS to grab some things and on my way back I saw a possum. It felt like accidentally running into a friend.
sept. 16, 2020
There was a months-long period of time in 2015 where I tried finding an intact, real human skeleton for a novel-in-verse I wanted to write. I wanted each section of the novel to be named after and inspired by a bone in the body. The importance of the real skeleton vs. a plastic skeleton was that it would be more likely to be the size that I wanted. All the plastic skeletons I found were all quite small and it was hard to find the ones that science classrooms seem to always have. During this search I did find out it was illegal to own human bones in the state of Missouri. I, of course, gave up on this aspect of the project and began to write a version of the novel without bones-inspiration. It's just now dawning on me how weird the act of trying to get a human skeleton is. Like, I would have had to keep that skeleton in my dorm room. What the fuck was I thinking.
this video brought back the memory of the great skeleton hunt of 2015
Was listening to a podcast episode about the Open Syllabus Project (link below) and it led to some thoughts I've had recently about the accessibility of work, especially because it's a huge concern for people creating databases as well as librarians. This then made me think: should all poetry be free? One of my biggest frustrations with "literary poetry" is that publication is king and economy. "Poetry business" is a phrase that gets thrown around in MFA communities, a phrase which brings down the meaning and quality of both words. I'm not saying people should stop exploring the poetry book as a medium but that's what it is, a medium. I don't think it works as a product because it will always under-sell . The poetry book has not really made any advances in approachability towards the genre. From my own understanding, slam poetry has done more to open space for people to discover and enjoy poetry than publishing houses. I wonder if it has to do with what a "regular" reader expects when they open a book. I also think a lot of it has to do with bad experiences with poetry in the K-12 school systems. I am constantly thinking about these problems because I love poetry and want others to feel free to engage with it in their own personal ways as well as embrace "difficulty," but that's a word worth of another rant.
What if I made everything I wrote available for free online? Does that change anything?
S. and I talked about the weird concept that someone who has some notoriety if they decide to make all of their art free it's considered cool and subversive while if no one knows about you or your art it's a reflection of lack of quality. Such a fine line.
Also, listening to that podcast made me miss working at a radio station. I was a dj at 88.7 KTRM from my senior year in high school up until my sophomore year of college. One of the reasons I make podcasts now because I'm chasing the feeling of being on live radio, something that is both anxiety-inducing and really entertaining. The issue is I can't tell whether I miss working at a radio station or specifically a college radio station. Maybe I'll look for jobs at radio stations in the future.
It's been a long day and I didn't get to as many things as I wanted to, but that's okay. What matters most to me is that I feel some forward momentum, which I do (even if incremental).
sept. 15, 2020
Since I've woken up I've been in a bit of a trance. I was listening to "This Podcast Will Kill You" for the first time and "Ep. 58 Guinea Worm" begins with an essay on the parasite by Daniel Deng, a health agent from South Sudan. The last part of the essay caught my attention:
"And even if it had not been me, what of the rest of the community? That’s what inspired me to work for the eradication of Guinea worm. So I went away to school, and when I came back I looked for this work. When I found the man who would be my director (Makoy Samuel Yibi), I told him, “I will never let you and my country down. I just need to relate to my community and see how this Guinea worm is cruel to my community. I want my community to be free.
And that’s why, you see, I am doing this work. It is very difficult. If you want to work for Guinea worm, you need to leave the good things in your life behind and become part of the community. That way you come to understand the dynamic of how to help the community to eliminate the Guinea worm. And that’s been very effective. I’ve been there, and I’ve worked, and I’ve seen how the Guinea worm can go to nothing. And I have hope that one day we will be free and be able to say that Guinea worm is gone. It will be a very great achievement."
you can read the rest of the essay here
I couldn't help but make the connection between this parasite and our current capitalist society, a link that has been made by so many others before. Yet, I thought specifically about the words of Lucy Parsons (Black anarcho-communist, 1851-1942), “Anarchists know that a long period of education must precede any great fundamental change in society, hence they do not believe in vote begging, nor political campaigns, but rather in the development of self-thinking individuals.”
I know that right now is an important moment of self-education for myself, it goes back to yesterday's idea of an ending stagnancy. "If you want to work for revolution, you need to leave the good things in your life behind and become part of the community. That way you come to understand the dynamic of how to help the community to eliminate the current status quo. And that’s been very effective."
Had a meeting over zoom with a classmate about a presentation we're giving in our social justice class this afternoon. Our topic is over Native Americans and environmental consciousness as taught to children through young adults. We had a lovely conversation and it was nice to get to know a classmate better when you can't do so in a classroom.
Overall, feeling quite productive.
sept. 14, 2020
I need to:
-start introducing myself to my body once again through routes other than chronic pain and the medication I utilize to carve a cave in here so I can take shallow breaths.
-allow myself to be uncomfortable in ways that I try to avoid. I am no stranger to the feeling but I do think there are certain forms that I want to better embrace them.
-get back to my friend J. who I've been chatting with on discord.
-email Prof. R and Prof. M.
-think about the future for goddamn once. This includes figuring out my thoughts on the following: vans, bikes, outside, etc.
-read/organize E.'s manuscript.
-re-catalog my book collection.
-finish the "epigraph" list.
-email T. about dreams, email A. about essay, email bookmaker about interview.
-organize work hours for timesheet.
-work on "Me Reading Stuff" archive.
-schedule eye appointment.
-work on McNair profile.
-email dust bunnies/leftovers.
-apply for gw internship.
-go through Toothpick Poetry subs.
-figure out what to send to QW.
-email SC about dream re-record.
-send podcast ep. to antonio.
-check if CVS processed insurance.
-send maintenance report about sink.
This is a part of a compulsion I have every few weeks to lay everything in my life out. I'll spend most of my day making these long lists in the hopes of being able to see both large and small trends in my work and actions. I feel like I am ready to do something about the stagnant feeling in my life.
We did final project idea presentations for my bookbinding class- a lot of really interesting work spanning witchcraft, amateur archeology, travel, and familiar mental health. I'm still not sure which of my main ideas I'm gonna stick to and finish, but I need to make a decision soon. What I have to remind myself is that because I choose one now doesn't mean I can never make the others. It just means I have something to work on next and develop further.
I took an edible because my back pain was getting worse as the night went on.
"get famous" by the mountain goats (released today)
sept. 13, 2020
Got my results back, negative for covid. I finished "Dept. of Speculation" by Jenny Offill and started "Daisy Jones & The Six" by Taylor Jenkins Reid. Today was slow, spent most of it playing "Hollow Knight" for the first time in a while and I finished the main quest. Still have over 25% of the game left but I know it'll be one I keep dipping in and out of for a while, like "Breath of the Wild." I did buy the "Bioshock" collection because it was on sale, even though I should really be more conscious about my money right now. There are a lot of "shoulds" in my life right now. I did get some chores done around the house but couldn't get the energy to do things I was actually motivated to do. That's it for today.
sept. 12, 2020
A list of people that I miss and have been thinking about recently: L., K., T., and Sky.
S. and I went on a car ride around town this morning with Holmes in the back, head out the window. At one point we were near the IMAX theater in Savoy and being there always makes me think about one of my favorite memories from the beginning of my MFA. I was hanging out with T. for one of the first times and we decided to go see "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" at the IMAX on a Saturday afternoon, 4:20 p.m. Summer had yet to call it quits, I remember flipping through a book by Brigit Pegeen Kelly that T. had left on the dashboard. Because of the showtime we decided to smoke before going in and I had never watched a movie before while high. It was such a nice experience, led to a whole evening of hanging out and chatting with him and Sky.
Thinking about what motivates me to try new things. How can I put a spark up to those dry leaves? I don’t think I was ever better at trying new things, I’ve always been hesitant and scared of things have make me aware of my corporeal existence.
Got drunk with S. and then recorded an episode of the "They/Them Podcast" with Antonio. Afterward we played "Drawful 2" with Antonio and Kyle, ordered cookies and Domino's. Overall it's been a nice day except for the exhaustion hitting me hard. I really enjoyed the walk to CVS and back.
sept. 11, 2020
I had a hard time falling asleep last night due to pain in my left foot I could not relieve. I kept thinking about something Donald Glover said about albums right before "Because the Internet" came out, how music isn't enough anymore, you have to make whole worlds to live in. I think the way I approach writing has always been somewhat similar-- a book or group of poems is not enough, everything needs an extended existence. I think that is why I create so many lists on flounder, I want to be able to track those existences, where ideas came from, what inspires my work from the moment it begins, is there a beginning at all? The thing is, are there people interested in living in these worlds I create and track? Is it necessary to have those people in the first place?
In "Free Solo," there is a moment where Alex Honnold is only holding himself to El Capitan's rock face by a thumb hold, barely anything else. I've been thinking about that a lot this week.
Thanks to a suggestion by Alex I decided to explore the geminispace some, looking at different browsers and projects. Found Midnight, gonna mess around on it a bit. If your interested I've got a couple keys given to me by m15o.
I listened to the new Car Seat Headrest album "Making a Door Less Open" while working at the library. Looked for a new job, especially something that will have at least one element about it I'm passionate about, and found nothing. Today's class discussion in Storytelling revolved around how we as storytellers need to decide what criteria is necessary to choose between stories we will and will not tell, e.i. representation vs. appropriation.
Got tested for covid, waiting on results.
seiren: a fucking weird and fun online "journal"/gallery space
a new exhibit from one of my favorite contemporary artists, robyn o'neil
Are my days sometimes just lists of links? Yeah, I think so, and that's why journaling was kinda difficult for me until now. I rarely worry about where my consciousness will go after death but I do worry about specific thoughts and ideas. Will characters and projects I've come up with just dissipate or could they find homes somewhere else to be realized? I feel like if I write most of them down they'll have the best chance of survival.
I came up with a podcast idea called "Thursday 11:11 p.m." a couple months ago which was essentially an audio diary, letting those loose lines in my journal become something always half-finished. Now, all the energy I would put into that I put into this diary. Are these just scripts? I'm very into questions today, waking and falling asleep to them.
sept. 10, 2020
I woke up knowing this was an odd day, emotion-wise. I felt off until I went on a walk in the afternoon and ran into my friend Liz. We talked out in a yard for over an hour and it was just nice to talk about whatever, jump from subject to subject, in person. Afterwards S. and I went to Target, I bought the two-headed stuffed dragon I wanted along with some Lay's chips that taste like chicken tacos.
S. is making steak for the second night in a row. We avoid buying meat whenever possible but there's a need to change things up a bit, feel a sense of novelty. Honestly, I should have done more work today but I also needed a calm day like this. I needed a day with no classes and no pressure.
While walking Holmes we passed someone practicing the guitar on their back porch and it was a nice moment. Apparently they were out there a couple nights ago when S. and Holmes were on another walk.
sept. 9, 2020
"Anoche cuando dormía
soñé, ¡bendita ilusión!,
que una colmena tenía
dentro de mi corazón"
"O, marvelous error—
That there was a beehive here inside my heart"
-Antonio Machado, "Anoche cuando dormía" (unknown English translator)
I want to add "O, marvelous error—" to the list of lines I would like to get tattooed.
Did not sleep well and was awoken by Holmes needing to go to the bathroom, which is really rare. Usually he stays patiently in bed until we wake up. After letting him out we sat on the couch together of a couple of hours. I listened to an audiobook and read two graphic novels. I went back to bed after that. In the afternoon S. and I went to work at the library, had a zoom meeting with my library school cohort. I was very happy to introduce myself to strangers, felt very novel.
Started to listen to "Dept. of Speculation" by Jenny Offill. It reminds me of "Faces in the Crowd" by Valeria Luiselli, the way vignettes are utilized to tell a bigger story through "facts" and anecdotes.
Kinda accidentally got drunk before my one zoom class today. I didn't think the rum and coke (actually diet pepsi, but all dark sodas are quite similar) would hit me as hard as it did. The conversation revolved around the importance of privacy within the library institution during the current pandemic and how that might change in the future.
"thirteen" (big star cover) by bedouine, hurray for the riff raff, and waxahatchee
sept. 8, 2020
I've been quite productive today, getting some reading done, going to the library, emailing, etc. Hopefully I can keep that energy rolling this week. In my social justice class someone talked about doing a story time with kids about queerness and having a small pride parade/walk around the library. The thought of being there almost made me cry.
i'd video chat with an eel, i'm forgetting they exist too.
Had a job interview, don't really think I'll get it. Gotta keep looking for more options.
sept. 7, 2020
Long depressing day. Three words.
S. brought up an idea we've been kicking around for about a year or so, this time it feels very important. About 20 words.
Been avoiding work. Three words.
Tired. One word.
p.s. the next time we go to target i am going to buy a two headed dragon stuffed animal you can't stop me
"whole wide world" cover by green day
phoebe bridgers and arlo parks covering radiohead
sept. 6, 2020
It is raining this morning and incredibly dark.
I listened to the new Gloom Balloon album coming out later this month. The record label sent out a link for people who pre-ordered so that they can start to listen to it. I think that, like their second album, it'll take some time for me to warm up to it after my first listen. Took about a year for the second album to really hit me at a moment I needed. There are so many songs (20) and some of them already have a hold on me, it's more about being able to see it for the whole picture.
Watched "Free Solo" with S. I'm impressed by the ability that some people have for embodying themselves so fully, especially against nature.
I spent most of the afternoon grading. Called my dad and talked to him for a little bit. My mom has started to wear masks inside the house after getting the news that one of her students has covid but it doesn't seem to have spread as expected.
Last night I made a small accordion book in which I'm doodling grass crowns. Might work on another book tonight, it's meditative for me.
Instead of making another physical book I worked on the epigraph project, transcribed 46 epigraphs from 32 books/zines/chapbooks.
sept. 5, 2020
Woke up this morning with a need to clean my studio and finish going through my personal library. I listened to the "Call Your Girlfriend" podcast while cleaning; I tried getting into it a couple of years ago but just didn't. I took two naps today, graded for a little bit, did very little else. Played "Animal Crossing" for the first time in weeks.
sept. 4, 2020
Been away from most social media (instagram, twitter) for the past few days and it has been nice in the way that I can restore some mental bandwidth. The energy has gone into worrying about things like my job but I am working on how to best process my anxiety when I cannot escape into an app, yet I just escape into epigraph searching now.
last image i found on twitter before logging out, from
A lot of positive energy came from my storytelling class. The professor is incredibly nice and supportive, which led to some fun renditions of "the vanishing hitchhiker," many of them involving pets.
This morning S. and I went to the library from 9:30-11 a.m., worked at a couple of tables we reserved. While there I mostly listened to music and tried to get myself in the mindset to do work but was not super successful. The three cassette tapes I ordered arrived today so I listened to Seu Jorge's covers of David Bowie songs while working on my carousel book. Just finished it and submitted the pictures to the bookbinding professor.
S. and I went to Aldi, bought some groceries, drank a little when we got home and ordered pizza again from "Manolo's." Neither of us had a great week, a gray cloud over the house. We are generally happy with each other but separately kinda down.
sept. 3, 2020
I've been incredibly depressed today, spending most of it as if a boulder was tied to my chest and had been asked to simply walk around my apartment until I could no longer stand.
Got an email to schedule an interview for a library job. I'm trying to not let myself begin to imagine what that would feel like, the ability to quit my current grading job. S. and I talked about how I can't really work for people who think "time is money," partially because I don't care much for either concept. I have been avoiding all the other emails I received today, mostly having to do with the grading job.
S. and I got sandwiches from "Cheese and Crackers" for lunch, a pizza from "Manolo's" for dinner. We watched the first half of "RED" with Bruce Willis and I keep thinking about a scene in which he's asked if he was able to get i.d.s off of his attackers and hands his friend, Morgan Freeman, a manilla envelope with loose thumbs.
I just finished making my first tunnel book which ended up a little wonky, cut some corners a little too close. Might start working on the carousel book before going to bed.
My current obsession is looking through all my books for epigraphs. My studio has two piles on either side of my desk, epigraphs to my left and no epigraphs to my right. I think my favorite book with epigraphs (three, to be exact) is "How to Be Your Dog's Best Friend," a book by a monk that S. bought before we got Holmes.
Listened to my first episode of "The Moth" for my storytelling class and I was surprised to find out it's not a true crime podcast. The logo and title had always led me to assume it had some dark twist to it.
sept. 2, 2020
This morning was spent shuffling around from the apartment to the library, back to the apartment (forgot my wallet), back to the library, to CVS and then back home once again.
Listened to this song a couple times, really went well with the gray sky-ed morning.
Got one of my medications yet the other had not been paid by the insurance company so I gotta go pick it up in the next couple days once it's been processed. Grabbed Hot Pockets, a blueberry muffin, and Hershey's Kisses Cereal (which tastes just like cocoa puffs, unfortunately-- like we've figured out how to make chips that taste like gyros, why can't cereal figure out more "complex" flavors).
Met Wes, one of the first year MFA poets, when he came by to pick up a book he had let me borrow and sent through the mail. It was really nice to meet someone new in a one-on-one situation, felt really novel.
The rest of my day was spent reading articles on the history of libraries worldwide and in the U.S.
I also watched a lot of "Ask A Mortician" videos sporadically throughout the day.
A lot of the day was spent thinking about ideas for my bookbinding final project and zines. During my one zoom class I couldn't stop myself from going through the books I have in my studio and make a pile of the ones that have epigraphs. I felt quite restless during class. One of my book ideas is to make an accordion book that has every epigraph that appears in the books in my personal library. Trying to figure out how many that is and whether it would make an interesting artists book.
During my oddly long walk in the morning I spent a lot of time thinking about how it makes me sad that we won't be able to have a Halloween party this year. It's my favorite party to host and last year's was especially fun. There is something so satisfying about being able to roam from room to room and entering new conversations on the search of another drink. While thinking about Halloween parties my mind fixated on a memory of a party I went to at Truman my sophomore year. I'd been very excited to go, ended up there with my partner at the time and her friend, who was dressed in a banana costume. I do not remember exactly what happened between me and the ex but she left the party in a rush and I felt obligated to go after her (honestly, the fact that I don't remember specifics makes sense because the last image I have of that memory is so visceral). As I followed, I looked back to see the friend in a banana costume under an orange, humming street lamp looking confused and lost. He didn't know what was going on and why he was being left alone at a party where he didn't know anyone else. I've tried to incorporate that image to a poem for a couple years now but it seems to work much better by itself.
sept. 1, 2020
Did not fall asleep until around 2 am last night and kept waking up throughout the night. Went down a rabbit hole about attention deficiency and I keep wondering if it's possible I have ADD.
Watched a documentary about COINTELPRO this morning. It is the first U.S.-based media I've seen that even mentions the Puerto Rican liberation movement in detail. My grandfather was a part of the movement and the socialist party in Puerto Rico when he was in college. It's a part of my history I carry with respect.
I got an acceptance letter for a poem I began writing years ago about Charlottesville, Virginia and the alt-right rally in 2017. It was the first poem I wrote after moving to Illinois.
Overall it was an okay day, currently feel somewhat lost in my emotions. Watched a video about Waco and another about the Donner party. Lincoln almost joined the Donner party, apparently.
/diary/